Category Archives: Barbara A Ruof
Are you sick and tired of mentally ill, straight, white, men “legally” stockpiling hand held WMD’s and NOT being called terrorists? – Yeah, me too.
Are you sick and tired of that thing some people call POTUS that was elected by the Russian Mafia and very rich or very poor, IGNORANT Americans? – Yeah, me too!
Are you sick and tired of things like “taking a knee” being played off by that thing some call POTUS and the mainstream drama-inducing, government-owned media as UNPATRIOTIC? – Yeah, me too!
Are you sick and tired of healthcare being FOR PROFIT? – Yeah, me too!
Are you sick and tired of the straight white IGNORANT male population running the world? – Yeah, me too!!!!
Stay tuned for details on how you can become a member of “The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend.” who’s primary focus will be working to erase stigmas and empower women all over the planet. It will be a place where social justice collides with ALL of humanity, not just the special few who are white and have hefty bank accounts.
Like many others of my generation, I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about anything. Shhhhh. what might the neighbors think? There were horrible arguments in my home growing up as the child of an alcoholic. And without fail, a day or two later, after the “Sounds of Silence,” people would break it and act as if nothing ever happened and simply go on with their lives. On occasion, there would be days, weeks or even months that went by and not a word was spoken. What happens to all that energy not expelled, all that tucked into the cells of our beings – festering in the “Sounds of Silence?”
I truly hope at some point that the numerous people who have criticized me over the years for this or that or whatever the fuck they thought MY problem was, will read these blogs or my upcoming book and possibly understand on a deeper level what it is actually like to grow up in a household with constant trauma as a über sensitive soul. When a child is so young and vulnerable, they have no way of defending their self from the ENERGY of ANGER, of RAGE of constant discord in an environment that molds them. A child should be in a happy and nurturing environment always. (Example, children are sensitive to energy just like animals are. They are pure souls without defense mechanisms. That is what makes them so beautiful, their innocence. Over the course of the last days since I found out about my sister’s death, I have had to shelter my sweet Mona from my immense emotional expulsions of grief. When I first found out about Barb’s death, the sounds that were exiting my body were none I have ever made before. And because I have done SO MUCH WORK to be at my level of self-awareness, I know that to suppress is to get sick. SO I FUCKING LET IT OUT!!! Depression on many levels, is simply anger and/or sadness turned inward. And I am NEVER going back there. NEVER. So if I need to emote, I am going to do so in a safe environment so that the ENERGY coming from me is not absorbed by anyone around me, 2 or 4 legged.)
The intention of writing and publishing a book about my journeys in life is not about EGO gratification. Rather it’s about real life experiences that people who suffer/struggle from any kind of trauma, mental health issue or addiction can hopefully relate to. It’s for people who are in recovery, and no, I am not just talking about drugs and alcohol. It’s intended for people who have been victims of abuse, of domestic violence, people who struggle with abuse of ANY kind, people who have been victims of homophobia, people who have suffered or currently suffer from mental illness, depression, anxiety, or more other serious diagnosis. I’m simply writing so that I can help others through REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES, not hypothetical ones. So many self help books have been written on recovery that come from a clinical standpoint, people who have studied all of the aforementioned soul sicknesses. And although more are rapidly emerging, in comparison, there have been few that are written from actual life experiences. I do believe this is the new form of “therapy.” Instead of going to have “treatment” with someone that has a bunch of letters behind their name, the recovery coaches of the new age are going to simply hang a shingle out that says. “My name is so and so and I have been through the HELL and back.” And they won’t charge $175 per hour, yet if one doesn’t have that idiotic green stuff we all value so much in this life, the door will still be open – sliding scale and FREE if people do not have money and need help. This is my way I can give back to humanity. Because after all, that is WHY we are here, to be of service to our fellow humans and our planet. End of story.
So, in closing this brief musing today, I hope that by reading my real life accounts of being IN it and moving THROUGH it, people can find a life of freedom, liberation, and experience the true nature of their soul, a happiness and bliss that is not BECAUSE of anyone or anything outside of ourselves. IT IS JUST BECAUSE IT IS OUR GODDAMN BIRTH RIGHT! Namasté
Yes, I finally did it. I de-activated my Facebook account. I had to finally break a very unhealthy addiction. Thanks to some lovely “moral majority – right wing” #dolts who have not a clue what a FACT is, who turned around after I wrote my last blog and insisted that it was “leftist bullshit” and that I was mentally ill (CORRECT? cuz FACTS have a party affiliation? And when you can’t come back with anything to intellectually debate, of course you attack someone’s mental health or physical appearance!) I thought, WHY IN THE NAME OF ANYTHING GOOD AM I WASTING MY TIME WITH THESE #DOLTS? Yes, “I let go of that which no longer serves my highest good.” And if you who I have been feverishly debating (with futility I might add) are reading this, I truly do thank you for sparking my greater intelligence. My better judgement said, “Get rid of Facebook altogether because the IGNORANCE on there disturbs you so that you can’t simply just “scroll on by.”” Yes, in my EDUCATED OPINION, IGNORANCE prevails amongst those who still are waiving the flag in the name of patriotism in this day and age. This is #fakepatriotism, IMO. Little do most “wavers” realize that the most patriotic thing a TRUE American can do is question his government, his leadership, and when it is not serving it’s people as it should, not hide behind a flag, or an anthem or “service” in our armed forces to defend our so-called freedom. Oh, that last sentence is definitely an opinion although I sure stand behind what Teddy said… FYI, I will no longer be writing my blogs to waste time on #dolts, yet hopefully, through my own shit storms and blisses of life, write for those who are interested in being better and more evolved humans and taking the optimum care of our planet and ALL it’s life forms! ONWARD…
About 8 months ago, I began a daily recital upon awakening the mantra above that titles this blog. It was one that was given to me a very long time ago from one of my Spiritual teachers in California. Two weeks after crossing over the border of peaceful Canada into this cesspool of drama and political chaos, I watched and FELT myself getting more tense, getting more ANGRY… People kept telling me I was angry and I was like, “Really, you think so??? Duh!” I think I am self-aware enough to take some time when feeling stuff like that arise in me to take a step back, to take a breath and get to what the root of it is as to not let it leak out to situations or direct it at people who do not deserve it. As I wrote recently, there is nothing wrong with expression of anger as long as it is directed towards what or who you are actually angry at and as long as it does not turn violent or harm another. Anger is just an E-motion = energy in motion. That is why those who have pent up stress or anger often resort to exercises like kick boxing to release it. (BTW, my recent anger that arose was properly directed at the #fuckingdolts who still support that Orange Anus. So, after the events of Thursday which I am getting to, A VERY wise woman advised me on Friday… “Sue, now that you have found what you think the root is, (operative word is think there – wink wink 😉 why not go to a big beautiful tree in the yard and wrap your arms around it and send it down into the earth, to the very core, where the molten lava exists? And then, don’t forget to ask Gaia, or the GREAT SPIRITS THAT BE, to come in and replace that emotional release (anger) with a positive and healthy energy.” Best advice in that moment for sure. Thank you Cyndy! I will continue repeat this process until the bucket of anger is empty, so that I do not have to dip back in again. A wise and aware person, never lets that bucket fill back up again if they truly are living consciously in the moment, which is what I attempt to do each and every day. So, in closing this thought, I am going to again state that there is absolutely nothing wrong with anger. It’s all how you handle and express it. So again, I want to thank the #FUCKINGDOLTS for bringing to light my RAGE over IGNORANCE! After what I am about to share next I do believe a HUGE piece has been lifted in the last few days and I can now allow more of my divine flow in or step further into my Goddess shoes (or flip flops 😉 as Cyndy also recently suggested.
I arrived back in my beloved hometown late on last Wednesday evening, 9.27. As those of you know who have read my recent blogs, I do not have very fond memories of growing up in WNY and could not wait to get out of here after high school. I woke however on Thursday refreshed and happy to be “grounded again” at least for a short spell, to begin the work of editing over 800 images shot on my recent journey. Mona is also happy to be back with her boyfriend Matix. My sister Mary came out to Clarence to have lunch with us and it was pleasant and relaxing. I bid her a good day and came into the house to find 2 messages on my computer from a friend in my sister Barb’s neighborhood. They simply said “Sue” and then another “Sue.” I can’t explain the feeling that came over me, but I knew it was really NOT good. My mind immediately went to the worst. And my worst was confirmed shortly thereafter a brief phone call with Shannon Maurer, that my sister was indeed deceased. For any of you that knew my sister Barb, you do know that she had basically been a shut in for the last 2 decades, more or less. After the birth of her second son in San Francisco, she started experiencing terrible neurological problems, such as her mind thinking to turn on a light switch and her body not responding. Without elaboration, I will say that her life slowly became hell, that living in her at heaviest 115 lb body became more and more excruciating. So, with great grace, dignity and COURAGE, my sister Barb took her own life at 63 years old on September 28. 2017. She leaves behind 2 wonderful young men in the world with new families of their own. A few years ago when Barb made it common knowledge that she wished to exit her body, she made it very clear that she thought her work was done on the planet in this lifetime, raising her sons so that each had loves in their lives and children either on the way or already here. Unfortunately, she told too many people, myself being one of them, an
d I told someone who called Crisis Services against my adamant plea not to do so crying on my knees in her house. I consider this to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life because my poor sister not only had to endure another 3 plus years in a body that did not serve her, but when they threw her in the hoosegow, (aka as the psych ward – and here is where the RAGE comes in for she was NOT MENTALLY ILL IN THE LEAST!!!) she had a massive seizure and busted up her shoulder requiring major surgery and adding more pain on top of the already existing unbearable… I wish to end here and now without elaborating on how it has effected everyone involved. Nor do I believe any more details are necessary to be expelled here except MY SISTER DID NOT DIE FROM A MENTAL ILLNESS as I am certain the “town that friendship built and gossip destroyed (Barb coined that phrase by the way) would probably like to be reveling in rumor.” LET IT BE KNOWN HERE THAT MY SISTER DIED WITH DIGNITY AND GRACE AND HAD MORE COURAGE TO DO WHAT SHE DID, (DESPITE WHAT OTHERS MAY DEEM COWARDICE) THAN 99% OF THE HUMANS I AM ACQUAINTED WITH WILL EVER HAVE! Unlike what the “Christians” might say that she went to hell for “suicide” I beg to differ. Like a pure-souled animal, she went to the human rainbow bridge, right straight on, not passing GO or collecting $200! She very basically assisted herself out of a body that no longer could house her gregarious Spirit. [ By the way, even if Barb DID have mental health issues, the whole stigma of mental health and suicide is yet another sickness in our Western society that needs to be healed.]
In closing… “I let go of that which no longer serves my highest good.” The gamut of emotions I have experienced during this, definitely one of, if not THE most difficult times of my life, are up at the surface and raw. Boy, have I had my work cut out for me after the last days as anyone would have expect. One of my main points being here is be careful what you ask for, cuz you definitely will get it and you NEVER know what it will look like. And, ALSO, this is NOT about me, but the situation has caused me to WTFU further. This is about my sister Barb who was one of the toughest, outspoken, brilliant, truth-telling, pain-in-the-ass bitches I have ever met, my role model since I was a very young girl. She unfortunately was cast aside by Western medicine and often shrugged off as her illness being “in her head.” SO ~ FUCK YOU Merck Sharp & Dohme Corp for manufacturing a faulty Rubella vaccine and having women either die or wind up in complete paralysis for life as the result of an adverse reaction. My sister was a victim of your faulty vaccine, but unfortunately did not meet the statue of limitations for a law suit from which a nice settlement may have allowed her to live a far more comfortable life away from the climate as a shut in in Hamburg, NY for 25 years. FYI… Merck settled multiple million dollar law suits out of court with gag orders (which to anyone with a brain, admits their obvious guilt.)
RIP Barbara Ann Culig Ruof…
I am writing this in your favorite color, the one you joked about painting Felix when you lived in your beloved San Francisco!!! Without your guidance and love in my life, I would probably be dead or heroine addicted on the streets. I’m very sorry for disappointing you of late. In your honor, I will live my very best life with courage, honesty, integrity, strength and dignity from here on out. When I think I am having a “bad” day, I will say “Fuck it” and invite Mick and the Boys and/or David Lee Roth for dinner. I will not dwell on the petty shit. I will do absolutely everything I thought you wanted me to do or that which you were unable to do in a shitty, shitty, vehicle/body that you absolutely did not deserve. 🙁 One of these days, hopefully soon, we can erect the “Church of the Almighty Girlfriend” in your honor. That promise I hope I can keep to you before I too exit this plane of existence. Know though that it already exists without a physical structure 😉
To those of you readers who have made it this far, don’t grieve for me. Get ANGRY at Western Medicine for fucking my sister over. And send your most heartfelt sympathies to her sons who no doubt are paralyzed with grief. Thank God they had her as long as they did, because she knew they would be solid and and strong enough to get through it. I am eternally grateful I had as many years as I did with my beloved sister, guide, confident, Spiritual teacher, and over-all INCREDIBLE and BRILLIANT human being. Remember, “Religion is for people who fear Hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.” ~Unknown