Category Archives: euthenasia

DIARY OF AN ANGRY WHITE WOMAN WHO TAKES NICE PICTURES :-)

Final sunset unaltered, Lake Megunticook – Camden, Maine – 9/22/17

I’m finding it quite interesting how folks have been offering up their opinions about my anger and how it is directed, especially those who have not taken the time to read my blogs and have only seen my “pukes” on SaveFacebook. Really now, heaven forbid one should be angry and actually write about it or express it? [ Shhhh. Don’t let them see that. What will the neighbors think? ] Part of my work on this planet in this lifetime is to bring awareness to the beauty of the planet through my imagery. In essence, it is about saying, “Take a look at this. If we don’t wake up as a collective consciousness, this ain’t gonna be here much sooner than later.” So, my writing in many ways, and not anything but pulling straight up punches, is about the things I feel people are still not seeing, about pointing out moral and ethical wrong doings, about calling out “blowhards” like these straight, white, male, rednecks I went to High School with when I get called a “rug muncher” or an “angry lesbian” or a “man hater” or a “sensitive pussy.” Sorry, I am just not evolved enough to sit back and send compassion to such ignorance who still in 2017 judges anyone by their sexuality or the color of their skin, heaven forbid. Nope, not there yet. May never be.Its clear to me that often one gets more reward in life with sugar than vinegar. This is not a time for sugar coating anything, my friends… (that is those who truly still qualify.) Just a little aside here…There is a fabulous photographer named Dewitt Jones and his tag line is “Celebrate What’s Right with the World.” I strive to photograph like Dewitt and put that message out there with my imagery. My writing obviously addresses other “issues” I feel need to be focused on to be able to KEEP CELEBRATING WHAT’S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD FOR GENERATIONS TO COME!”

 

I’m not going to apologize for being brash or a hard ass any longer. However, if someone steps forward that feels I have personally offended them, I will certainly listen. Maybe some feel like I just let loose, but if I have actually offended anyone personally, I will certainly take it to heart and most likely 99% offer you a most sincere apology and look to see how I can better phrase what I write or say. Mostly, I just write my free flowing thoughts and feelings to humanity at large. And if you haven’t figured it out by now, one of my biggest issues with humanity at large in this day and age, is THE INABILITY TO BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT. The second is IGNORANCE. Ex. Mona and I were driving to a Dr’s appointment the other morning and on the I-90 where the 400 splits off to East Aurora, a woman cut across 3 lanes of traffic and then slammed on her brakes to make the exit when she was in front of my slow house that doesn’t stop on a dime. Needless to say, I had to SLAM on the brakes and everything, including poor little Mona and myself, went flying. THAT is the perfect example of not being present. Whatever she was doing that caused her to do such a thing at the last moment, caused not only myself and my sweet animal shock, but a few other drivers as well.

We are a nation GUILTY of NOT BEING PRESENT and QUITE SICK WITH SELF-ABSORPTION IF YOU ASK ME! (Heaven forbid you should ask me!) We spend the majority of our time ruminating on the mistakes of the past, the coulda, shoulda, woulda or worrying about the future. If we truly could live and breathe in the moment, instead of needing to check our phone every 5 minutes, we would be a happier and centered collective body of human energy. And yes, that is what we are, a COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS. So, how about we think more about switching the I, I, I verbiage to the WE, WE, WE??? In closing this topic about expression of anger, if one more person mentions my anger issues to me without reading my blog, well, I can’t promise what might come their way! At least they have the decency to preface it with “I didn’t read your blog, but…” Whatever… it’s one of the main reasons that I have exited from SaveFacebook because of the I, I, I look at me shit. And also because people simply do not take the time to read any longer. So, I say…. DEATH TO THE 2 SECOND ATTENTION SPAN!

On the “collective.” A fellow Spiritualist and healing facilitator and I were speaking last night and she said something to me, quite adamantly I will add, about putting out energy to something and making it bigger. And at one point she said something about being drained by what I put energy into. Some say that being angry is not Spiritual. Some say that putting attention onto the current extreme dysfunction in our country is not doing any good because it just gets me more pissed off and it will be what it will be and shift on it’s own… FALSE, FALSE, AND FALSE! Once I do something/anything such as taking MY precious time to write a blog or speak with someone about what (I FEEL) needs to happen to make positive and effective change, I feel a whole lot better AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS OF ATTEMPTING TO HEAL HUMANITY AND OUR PLANET.

In closing this morning’s missive…NO ONE CAN KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LIVE IN MY SKIN RIGHT NOWABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!! No one knows the gamut of emotions I am currently experiencing. I think a few have a pretty good idea about how much I am enraged by what is currently happening to our county induced by a government that has NOT worked FOR the people in a VERY LONG TIME. Anyone who has tragically lost a sibling might be able to relate a bit. But please, before you go giving me advice on how to move through what I am currently moving through or what to do to cease my anger, walk a mile in my moccasins. I don’t really wish the current gamut of emotional waves washing over me on anyone right now. (Except for the pure bliss and connection to the DIVINE I feel when I channel my sister in her late 20’s and blast the Rolling Stones.) I realize that it is my job to keep letting those feelings flow, especially the extreme sadness, to let the tears flow and to direct my anger at what I am generally angry at >> The INABILITY TO BE PRESENT and IGNORANCE << to release them in a safe environment and ultimately to keep working to find compassion for what I FEEL IS IGNORANCE – as well as to work to help people find out what it actually means and feels like to be PRESENT IN THE MOMENTUnlike my dear B who felt her work was done on this planet, mine has only just begun. Wasn’t that a Carpenter’s song???

Namasté

Also posted in Depression, Emotions, IGNORANCE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, RECOVERY, social media addiction, Spiritual awakenings, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , |

I LET GO OF THAT WHICH NO LONGER SERVES MY HIGHEST GOOD

Yes, I finally did it. I de-activated my Facebook account. I had to finally break a very unhealthy addiction. Thanks to some lovely “moral majority – right wing” #dolts who have not a clue what a FACT is, who turned around after I wrote my last blog and insisted that it was “leftist bullshit” and that I was mentally ill (CORRECT? cuz FACTS have a party affiliation? And when you can’t come back with anything to intellectually debate, of course you attack someone’s mental health or physical appearance!) I thought, WHY IN THE NAME OF ANYTHING GOOD AM I WASTING MY TIME WITH THESE #DOLTS? Yes, “I let go of that which no longer serves my highest good.” And if you who I have been feverishly debating (with futility I might add) are reading this, I truly do thank you for sparking my greater intelligence. My better judgement said, “Get rid of Facebook altogether because the IGNORANCE on there disturbs you so that you can’t simply just “scroll on by.”” Yes, in my EDUCATED OPINION, IGNORANCE prevails amongst those who still are waiving the flag in the name of patriotism in this day and age. This is #fakepatriotism, IMO. Little do most “wavers” realize that the most patriotic thing a TRUE American can do is question his government, his leadership, and when it is not serving it’s people as it should, not hide behind a flag, or an anthem or “service” in our armed forces to defend our so-called freedom. Oh, that last sentence is definitely an opinion although I sure stand behind what Teddy said… FYI, I will no longer be writing my blogs to waste time on #dolts, yet hopefully, through my own shit storms and blisses of life, write for those who are interested in being better and more evolved humans and taking the optimum care of our planet and ALL it’s life forms! ONWARD…

About 8 months ago, I began a daily recital upon awakening the mantra above that titles this blog. It was one that was given to me a very long time ago from one of my Spiritual teachers in California. Two weeks after crossing over the border of peaceful Canada into this cesspool of drama and political chaos, I watched and FELT myself getting more tense, getting more ANGRY… People kept telling me I was angry and I was like, “Really, you think so??? Duh!” I think I am self-aware enough to take some time when feeling stuff like that arise in me to take a step back, to take a breath and get to what the root of it is as to not let it leak out to situations or direct it at people who do not deserve it. As I wrote recently, there is nothing wrong with expression of anger as long as it is directed towards what or who you are actually angry at and as long as it does not turn violent or harm another. Anger is just an E-motion = energy in motion. That is why those who have pent up stress or anger often resort to exercises like kick boxing to release it. (BTW, my recent anger that arose was properly directed at the #fuckingdolts who still support that Orange Anus. So, after the events of Thursday which I am getting to, A VERY wise woman advised me on Friday… “Sue, now that you have found what you think the root is, (operative word is think there – wink wink 😉 why not go to a big beautiful tree in the yard and wrap your arms around it and send it down into the earth, to the very core, where the molten lava exists? And then, don’t forget to ask Gaia, or the GREAT SPIRITS THAT BE, to come in and replace that emotional release (anger) with a positive and healthy energy.” Best advice in that moment for sure. Thank you Cyndy! I will continue repeat this process until the bucket of anger is empty, so that I do not have to dip back in again. A wise and aware person, never lets that bucket fill back up again if they truly are living consciously in the moment, which is what I attempt to do each and every day. So, in closing this thought, I am going to again state that there is absolutely nothing wrong with anger. It’s all how you handle and express it. So again, I want to thank the #FUCKINGDOLTS for bringing to light my RAGE over IGNORANCE! After what I am about to share next I do believe a HUGE piece has been lifted in the last few days and I can now allow more of my divine flow in or step further into my Goddess shoes (or flip flops 😉 as Cyndy also recently suggested.

I arrived back in my beloved hometown late on last Wednesday evening, 9.27. As those of you know who have read my recent blogs, I do not have very fond memories of growing up in WNY and could not wait to get out of here after high school. I woke however on Thursday refreshed and happy to be “grounded again” at least for a short spell, to begin the work of editing over 800 images shot on my recent journey. Mona is also happy to be back with her boyfriend Matix. My sister Mary came out to Clarence to have lunch with us and it was pleasant and relaxing. I bid her a good day and came into the house to find 2 messages on my computer from a friend in my sister Barb’s neighborhood. They simply said “Sue” and then another “Sue.” I can’t explain the feeling that came over me, but I knew it was really NOT good. My mind immediately went to the worst. And my worst was confirmed shortly thereafter a brief phone call with Shannon Maurer, that my sister was indeed deceased. For any of you that knew my sister Barb, you do know that she had basically been a shut in for the last 2 decades, more or less. After the birth of her second son in San Francisco, she started experiencing terrible neurological problems, such as her mind thinking to turn on a light switch and her body not responding. Without elaboration, I will say that her life slowly became hell, that living in her at heaviest 115 lb body became more and more excruciating. So, with great grace, dignity and COURAGE, my sister Barb took her own life at 63 years old on September 28. 2017. She leaves behind 2 wonderful young men in the world with new families of their own. A few years ago when Barb made it common knowledge that she wished to exit her body, she made it very clear that she thought her work was done on the planet in this lifetime, raising her sons so that each had loves in their lives and children either on the way or already here. Unfortunately, she told too many people, myself being one of them, an

Barb on the lower right and sister Mary above at Phyllis DeJohn’s wedding in Atlanta 10.11.86. I do believe that is how Barb would wish to be remembered before vaccine damage rendered her less than. Her Spirit will live on… RIP B from A

d I told someone who called Crisis Services against my adamant plea not to do so crying on my knees in her house. I consider this to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life because my poor sister not only had to endure another 3 plus years in a body that did not serve her, but when they threw her in the hoosegow, (aka as the psych ward – and here is where the RAGE comes in for she was NOT MENTALLY ILL IN THE LEAST!!!) she had a massive seizure and busted up her shoulder requiring major surgery and adding more pain on top of the already existing unbearable… I wish to end here and now without elaborating on how it has effected everyone involved. Nor do I believe any more details are necessary to be expelled here except MY SISTER DID NOT DIE FROM A MENTAL ILLNESS as I am certain the “town that friendship built and gossip destroyed (Barb coined that phrase by the way) would probably like to be reveling in rumor.” LET IT BE KNOWN HERE THAT MY SISTER DIED WITH DIGNITY AND GRACE AND HAD MORE COURAGE TO DO WHAT SHE DID, (DESPITE WHAT OTHERS MAY DEEM COWARDICE) THAN 99% OF THE HUMANS I AM ACQUAINTED WITH WILL EVER HAVE! Unlike what the “Christians” might say that she went to hell for “suicide” I beg to differ. Like a pure-souled animal, she went to the human rainbow bridge, right straight on, not passing GO or collecting $200! She very basically assisted herself out of a body that no longer could house her gregarious Spirit. [ By the way, even if Barb DID have mental health issues, the whole stigma of mental health and suicide is yet another sickness in our Western society that needs to be healed.]

In closing… “I let go of that which no longer serves my highest good.” The gamut of emotions I have experienced during this, definitely one of, if not THE most difficult times of my life, are up at the surface and raw. Boy, have I had my work cut out for me after the last days as anyone would have expect. One of my main points being here is be careful what you ask for, cuz you definitely will get it and you NEVER know what it will look like. And, ALSO, this is NOT about me, but the situation has caused me to WTFU further. This is about my sister Barb who was one of the toughest, outspoken, brilliant, truth-telling, pain-in-the-ass bitches I have ever met, my role model since I was a very young girl. She unfortunately was cast aside by Western medicine and often shrugged off as her illness being “in her head.” SO ~ FUCK YOU Merck Sharp & Dohme Corp for manufacturing a faulty Rubella vaccine and having women either die or wind up in complete paralysis for life as the result of an adverse reaction. My sister was a victim of your faulty vaccine, but unfortunately did not meet the statue of limitations for a law suit from which a nice settlement may have allowed her to live a far more comfortable life away from the climate as a shut in in Hamburg, NY for 25 years. FYI… Merck settled multiple million dollar law suits out of court with gag orders (which to anyone with a brain, admits their obvious guilt.)

RIP Barbara Ann Culig Ruof…

I am writing this in your favorite color, the one you joked about painting Felix when you lived in your beloved San Francisco!!! Without your guidance and love in my life, I would probably be dead or heroine addicted on the streets. I’m very sorry for disappointing you of late. In your honor, I will live my very best life with courage, honesty, integrity, strength and dignity from here on out. When I think I am having a “bad” day, I will say “Fuck it” and invite Mick and the Boys and/or David Lee Roth for dinner. I will not dwell on the petty shit. I will do absolutely everything I thought you wanted me to do or that which you were unable to do in a shitty, shitty, vehicle/body that you absolutely did not deserve. 🙁 One of these days, hopefully soon, we can erect the “Church of the Almighty Girlfriend” in your honor. That promise I hope I can keep to you before I too exit this plane of existence. Know though that it already exists without a physical structure 😉

Always with a smile, humor and ultimately classy, even when she was telling someone to “Fuck off.” That was my sister Barb, seen here in one of the last photos I took of her in yard on 9/14/14. As one of her dear friends said, “She could talk like a truck driver, but also sing like a bird. She wasn’t for everyone, but I totally dug her.” So did I, Auntie Phyl, So did I…

To those of you readers who have made it this far, don’t grieve for me. Get ANGRY at Western Medicine for fucking my sister over. And send your most heartfelt sympathies to her sons who no doubt are paralyzed with grief. Thank God they had her as long as they did, because she knew they would be solid and and strong enough to get through it. I am eternally grateful I had as many years as I did with my beloved sister, guide, confident, Spiritual teacher, and over-all INCREDIBLE and BRILLIANT human being. Remember, “Religion is for people who fear Hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.” ~Unknown

Also posted in Barbara A Ruof, FACTS, Hamburg, IGNORANCE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, Rubella Vaccine, Spiritual awakenings, Suicide, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend, Vaccine Damage Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |