Category Archives: Depression

ARMAGEDDON – the LIGHT vs the dark

My beloved sister Barb now in Spirit took me by the hand when I was quite small, 7 or 8,  and told me not to believe that bible stuff, to trust that life after death did indeed exist, but that it was not about going to heaven or hell. She tried very tenderly to put me on the path of Spirituality and appreciation for the finer “things” in life. She often took me to the Albright Knox Art Gallery, the Museum of Science and also always validated my love of the outdoors and animals. Many years later when I visited San Francisco for the first time, she took me to the Spiritualist Church with her where we received readings from the reverends who delivered messages from loved ones in “on the other side.” I was always fascinated how Spirits gravitated towards her, my great aunt Anna who died of Cancer in the late 70’s and then my grandmother when she passed in the late 80’s both visited her often. My readings were often ambiguous, which I see at that time was exactly my connection to the Spirit world. Nonetheless over the years, after having a horrendous experience as a teenager with a “born again” family member, I gravitated much more towards things that were Spiritual.

It was in my late 20’s, while some of my friends who grew up in tumultuous households such as mine were reaching towards psychotherapists, that I was making the occasional visit to a psychic or going for long walks by large bodies of water and connecting deeply to the peace I felt around it. I did things like hypnotherapy and totally believed in past lives. I also really started to explore what Spirituality really meant TO ME, my own brand so to speak. I delved into Buddhism and Hinduism for a while. What I found after studying quite a bit was seemingly one common element, the belief in a love so vast, the Universe could not contain it! I have always been a swimmer, and being an extra large Pisces astrologically, water is my home or calming element. I always went to Lake Erie growing up and when I moved to San Francisco full time in 1992 at age 28 (my Saturn return) I had all the water I needed, plus the most diverse, cosmopolitain and gorgeous city in our country. When I felt troubled about something, I ventured to the ocean and let the waves wash over me metaphorically and sometimes physically. The negative ions soothed my physical body and calmed my soul. I also began to study body, energy and breath works to connect deeper to myself and others. My book takes time to describe some of these journeys and I will just say in attempting to close this thought, that I have ALWAYS been Spiritual, never Religious. That old saying comes into play here that “Religion is for those who fear hell and Spirituality is for those who have been there!”

As a young child, I remember feeling a deep connection to the Native Americans and to all “God’s” creatures. The Seneca Indians used to have a daily dance at the Fair and Exposition which ran for 8 days in mid August in our county Erie of Western New York. Back then they were called Indians 😉 and there were two tribes that had settled in this area, the Seneca and the Erie. I remember getting a small replica of a drum when I was little and my animal totem was a black bear. (I still have Barry BlackBeary although he is falling apart.) Their traditional clothing fascinated me, especially the footwear, and I always wanted my hair to be long and thick, just like the beautiful Native American women. In the summer of 1999 when I sat in “CHURCH” with the Native Americans in a teepee in Oregon, around a blazing fire pit, with song, and peyote ceremony that took place from sun down to sun up on the summer solstice, I realized exactly why I had always felt so connected to the Natives. In that teepee, I truly saw THE Truth or what some refer to as “God.” The Natives had welcomed me into their ceremony as one of their own and I felt SO privileged.  To this day, it was probably the single most life-altering experience I have had. It is described in detail in my book. But why do I favor the Native American “Religion” so much? Because it is all about our earth and the creatures that inhabit it. There’s the utmost respect for all that comes from our mother, all our “ancestors” that came before us and for all who will come after we leave our mother. 

The question today is… Why do I think Religion is such bullshit? (Because it was developed by man for man because there needed to be some form of mind control. Heaven forbid we should all discover that we have all the power of the Universe accessible to us!) We are ALL Spiritual first and foremost. Because we just are, end of story. We are born of Spirit and it is proven that our Spirit leaves our body to return to the Universe when we die. SEE THIS ARTICLE for some interesting reading. The point I am trying to make is that we are ALL energy, just energy embodying physical forms. Einstein said we could never understand it all and I would never ever claim to. I just know what I feel intuitively. And what I feel intuitively about the times that we are living in is exactly what Dr Christiane Northrup said that was quoted in my last blog. That the LIGHT is accelerating. That is hitting us so fast and hard that the Darkness has no choice but to be exposed, to come out of hiding. Since the eclipse, the storms of fire and water have intensified. Our political climate is extremely volatile. The energy is heating things up. Fires, floods, hurricanes, disasters… I tend to believe that a lot of this has to do with the anti-Christ that some elected as the POTUS. (He’s not mine.) But what is for sure is that Mother Nature is rip shit angry. There have been jokes about her going off her meds…. This is no joke folks. This is her saying WTFU NOW before I release the Hell that has no fury on y’all. My heart goes out to all the innocent people effected by the natural disasters of late. And because we are a collective consciousness, it is time for us to ALL wake up and do the next right thing. To be present in the moment. To stop being so concerned with materialism, technology and other bullshit. Our planet is crying and human lives are being lost. STOP AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN DO! What you better do is learn how to hunt, fish and grow. Learn how to purify water. Learn how to build shelter. Because water doesn’t come from the faucet and food from the store. Because Armageddon seems to be knocking on the door. That’s why… Namasté ~ Mitákuye Oyás’iŋ (All Are Related)

Also posted in ARMAGEDDON, CHURCH, DEATH, Emotions, ETERNAL LIFE, Faith, LIGHT, NATIVE AMERICAN, PEYOTE, Religion, SPIRITUALITY Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!

Come on out Sisters, wave your flags and speak your truth!

“The revelations about Harvey Weinstein have stuck a deep cord within me. Not because this kind of thing is anything new, but because, for the very first time in my lifetime, our society is not protecting a powerful and rich sexual predator– and neither is his wife. Or the media. Why? Because women have finally become strong enough and empowered enough collectively to risk telling the truth. And instead of backing down, we are rising in support. The tide is really turning. Back in the 1980’s when I was starting out in practice, I saw the toll that silence about abuse takes on women’s bodies. I noticed that many women with conditions such as chronic pelvic pain had been sexually abused. My colleagues denied this and told me my patients were “crazy” and that they only saw “normal” women. I persisted in telling the truth. And it cost me. But over time, my observations have become mainstream and we have the data to prove it. Long ago, Sonia Johnson who wrote From Housewife to Heretic, wrote, ” Women are rising like yeast all over the planet.” And indeed– that yeast has just taken a quantum leap. Predators beware. Your days are numbered. I know we have a long way to go still. But– women have been oppressed for about 5000 years. And we only got the right to vote in the US in 1919. ( which passed by only one vote and was not an easy battle.)

The change is speeding up– the light is getting lighter. Quickly. And that is why the Dark is fighting so hard to maintain control. Trust the light. You with me?” Dr Christiane Northrop

Namasté

IT”S SIMPLY TIME TO WAKE UP GALS!
The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend is currently taking new members.

Artwork by Phyllis DeJohn, best friend of Barbara A Ruof

Also posted in 45, ASSWIPE IN CHIEF, Dignity, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, RECOVERY, Spiritual awakenings, SPIRITUALITY, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend, Vaccine Damage Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

“ABLE IS A GIVEN, WILLINGNESS IS A CHOICE.” ~ A. R. N. Greenleaf

TALES OF IGNORANCE… THE DEBATE OVER FACTS AND OPINIONS

By this time, it’s likely that I have made some new enemies from those formerly of or currently living in my hometown and probably elsewhere amongst those who wish to stick to their guns and opinions without facts. Is it my goal to make enemies? Absolutely not. Do I care? Sure I do! Am I going to lose sleep around it? Nope… I’m going to speak my mind and back up my opinions with facts.

A good friend and fellow REAL and DOWN TO EARTH human (with, I might add, immense intellectual capabilities that she actually uses)  and I recently had the discussion of why we have no tolerance for IGNORANCE. It comes down to only one reason… All humans have the ability to inform themselves of FACTS and the TRUTH, but if the willingness to spend time doing so is not there, IGNORANCE ENSUES. The old “I don’t want to take my head out of the sand ‘cuz it’s real comfortable just where it is and has been mentality.” NO TOLERANCE. Not when it comes down to the current climate in the United (quickly becoming divided) States of America. Why is it that the rest of the world can see the truth and that a large faction of Americans refuse to believe anything other than what FOX news, the uber conservative media or the Orange Anus tells them???

ONLY ONE ANSWER. IGNORANCE… Oh, and LAZINESS too. It’s much easier to turn on the TV and let someone else give you their OPINION. So much easier than going…. Geez, that feels funny in my gut, I’m going to do some investigation and see what I come up with… Is the person I elected as my POTUS a person with morals and ethics? Yes, an intelligent person absolutely QUESTIONS EVERYTHING!

Next, can someone please tell me why people don’t understand the difference between opinions and facts? Let me just put some FACTS out there for y’all today. Let me put very clearly right here in BLACK AND WHITE with links for those of you who are TRULY the lazy ones, for those telling me what an angry unpatriotic bitch I am, oh and a fat, ugly, one as well of late! Cuz lord knows when you’re put on the spot to present facts and can’t, you say stuff like “get a job you lazy, fat ass” or call someone an ugly “rug muncher” that looks like Bruce Jenner! Great job, James, (a self proclaimed “white boy/cracker.”) Your brilliance and ability to intelligently debate has really shown through! To the “retired white boy who served in the almighty Marines” (oh, and by the way, got paid for it, and mostly likely “retired” after far fewer years than most “hard-working” people with good benefits no doubt) if you TRULY wish to “defend your country,” why not go volunteer on the front lines for the upcoming nuclear war? Why not go volunteer now that you are “retired” in a hospital where the majority of the patients cannot afford to pay bills to keep themselves alive because of corporate and fossil fuel greed and the largest defense budget in the world, triple of China and quintuple that of Saudi Arabia AND because health care has become nothing but a for profit business in this country? I warned you Jimmy Boy, not to try and go tit for tat with me ‘cuz I would bury your sorry, white-supremacist ass. No one stoops so low to attack my rumored “sexuality” and/or my physical appearance and gets away with it! That has to be THE most ignorant way to try and demean or insult someone in 2017 good ole US of A! ONWARD….

So here we go…
First, please click on the word to see the definition of FACT
 
Please do the same for OPINION. BY THE WAY, YOU CANNOT DISPUTE MERRIAM WEBSTER WITH YOUR FOX NEWS INDUCED MENTALITY!!!
 

FACT #1 – The Asswipe in Chief (or AIC -how I affectionately refer to YOUR POTUS) did NOT receive 50% of the vote. Mind you this link displays percentages before the results of the Russian intervention investigation. CLICK HERE TO SEE FACTS.

 

FACT #2 – The Asswipe in Chief owes the Russian mafia billions of dollars because he could no longer secure any financing for his “ventures” in this country after multiple million dollar banckruptcies. Just Google this or go to THE PALMER REPORT to read it should you wish to expose yourself to the FACTS.
 
FACT #3 – the people that voted for the AIC and are currently still supporting him, elected someone who had ABSOLUTELY NO POLITICAL EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER and had continuous shady business dealings in both this country and many others around the world, mainly Russia. That needs no fact link. It’s just simply the TRUTH!
 

FACT #4 your AIC executed not one, not two, not three, but FOUR BANKRUPTCIES. SEE HERE FOR FACTS AND AMOUNTS. And you voted for him to help recover your country and it’s economy financially from the MESS Obama made??? I am just completely taken aback at the SHEER IGNORANCE AND ABSURDITY of it all.

FACT #5 – the closer Mueller gets to nailing his ass and the Russian collusion that put him into office, the more he stirs and heats up the media with bullshit like calling professional athletes “Sons of Bitches” and telling them they should be fired. Since when does the POTUS ever offer up such a staunch COMMAND publicly? Since your POTUS is a former TV celebrity paid lots of money to fire people on air.
 

FACT #6 – What your AIC does to divert media and public attention away from his grand misdeeds and onto bullshit like the NFL fiasco is called “Wagging The Dog.” < Click on it!!! The people that have been brainwashed by his jargon, “Make America Great Again” as well as others who are just not intelligent or WILLING enough to see deeper what is really going on will keep supporting him no matter what, even when the FACTS are displayed in blaring, flashing neon lights. They will look at these acts (that are indeed patriotic by expressing their freedom of speech and to peacefully protest according to the first amendment to OUR constitution) as your AIC wishes them to be seen – unpatriotic. By creating drama around situations like football players taking a knee, it takes the attention off of the real news, such as the disasters in Puerto Rico, Florida and Texas. By “Wagging the Dog,” he takes the media attention off of himself and the current investigation. In essence good sheeples, it’s like starting a big fire and saying “Here, look at this!!! Don’t look at that.” < oh Jeez, was that an opinion or an example of what your President is doing that a kindergartner can understand???

One last aside here… for those of you who have accused me of being angry, DAMN STRAIGHT I AM!!! I don’t think you who elected and are still supporting the AIC, the madman, crude, rude, lying piece of feces, misogynist realize that you weren’t electing your high school treasurer,

YOU WERE ELECTING THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED (yet rapidly dividing) STATES OF AMERICA!!! AND people… FYI… there is absolutely nothing wrong with anger directed towards what one is angry about! It’s a healthy emotion that when held inside makes someone depressed and physically ill or nuts enough to pull out a freely accessible automatic weapon and shoot up a school filled with children. AND… I’m not getting sick or depressed over YOUR IGNORANCE AND DENIAL TO SEE THE FACTS!!! — AND, I am not going away until I leave the country I have loved so much because it’s unhealthy for me to keep living in and surrounded by INTENSE IGNORANCE!!!

–  SMH

There, the angry, fat, ugly, rug munching bitch has spoken once again. 👋🏼 for now. I’ll be back 😁

Also posted in 1%, 45, 45, ASSWIPE IN CHIEF, Election 2016, FACTS, GOLDEN RULE, GOP 2017, Hamburg, IGNORANCE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIES, MISOGYNIST, OPINIONS, politics Tagged , , , , , |

A FURTHER AWAKENING – September 23, 2017 – EMBODY THE LIGHT

A very good 9/23/17 morning to you all from the town of Camden, Maine! This beautiful mid-coast community was my home on and off from 1988-1991. It holds a very special place in my heart as well as I am discovering, an energetic power grid on our continent. I have long wondered why I feel so at peace here, why I connect so deeply to nature, the people, the Maine culture, and most importantly, my higher self. Recollecting back to my 3rd month into this stretch of my sobriety earlier this year, around my birthday in March, I made a commitment to spend my summer in Maine and Nova Scotia, not knowing exactly how that would happen. My thoughts and words were sent out to the Universe with conviction and well, WE made it happen! Yes WE! I had the help of many others I shall mention along the way in my book. On August 3rd, I crossed the border into now my favorite state of the United, Maine. As some of you know, the Maine state motto is “The Way Life Should Be.” And I cannot testify enough to that statement. There exists so many reasons why, but the main one is because the people in this state are, for the most part, highly conscious of their environment and one another. The “dump” in Camden allows people to recycle ALL items, all the way down to one’s fireplace ashes! Yes, consciousness rises and commercialism diminishes as one crosses that state line…

BLAST THE LIGHT  8.11.17  © Sue Culig

Before heading to Canada, I spent a lovely 3 weeks seeing much of Maine that I had never seen before. I cruised into the small towns and saw old abandoned homes, beautiful countryside, blueberry fields, expansive and clean lake bodies of water. I traveled all the little finger peninsulas “Down East” as the Mainer’s call it. Winter Harbor and Stonington were two of my favs. [Little did I know that my time in New Brunswick and Nova Scotia would blow my Maine experience out of the water. More on that in a coming blog.] In this particular snippet of writing, I would like to thank my mechanic, Iain Pottle of the Beetle Shop in Belfast, Maine for fixing my KaraVan. He helped her make her transition from Moby 😉 by putting in her new transaxel and fixing many other large and small things that needed to be done on my 32 year old small, fast, house. Unlike other mechanics I have seemingly just thrown money at, Iain seems to be first and foremost invested in diagnosing and properly repairing these precious vehicles. Iain’s father, Allen, started the Beetle Shop in 1979 and Iain and Allen continue to provide the VW community with quality repair and are not financial “rakers.” Iain knows how much bloody money I had spent on Moby/Kara since purchasing her in 2015. He also knew that I crossed over the border from Canada the other morning with $2.73 cash and a maxed credit card, having spent my last $550 that was supposed to be budgeted for my travel on mechanics in Nova Scotia who did NOT rectify an ongoing problem. Iain fixed Kara yesterday and she is running like a true charm, rectifying a starting and stalling problem that had persisted since early this year in South Carolina. I also am now aware of what proper miles per gallon are! I paid Iain in cash for one invoice, significantly less than what he billed it for and he called us “square.” He also sent me on my way with another invoice for $153 and said that if the problem was not fixed, that I was not responsible for that payment. And knowing that I had been gifted by great friends basically just enough money to get back to WNY this coming week, he said that I could PayPal him the money for that invoice, only should it fix the problem AND whenever I regroup my finances. Now THAT my friends, is The Way Life Should Be!!! I get SO disheartened of things in this world being SO focused on money. That green stuff is simply an energy, yes a necessary tool for navigating ones way through life, but I do believe in my lifetime that we are going to see the paradigm shift about money as THE way. While in Nova Scotia, I did experience that the barter system is alive and well. And for those of you who are not familiar with the barter system, it is simply an exchange of energy and/or goods… If you do a service for me or provide me with something I need, I give you back a service or some goods. The first time in my life I became familiar with this system was on my first trip to Croatia in 1988. Mind you, I had seen the generosity of my parents with their neighbors and friends doing this over the years in smaller capacities, but in Croatia, there were folks who had cows exchanging milk for eggs from people who had chickens. That very simply, is the barter system…

Sunrise, Glace Bay, Nova Scotia 9.16.17  © Sue Culig

I’m going to address next what has been a highly sensitive topic of late… “HARD WORK” As some of you are aware from knowing me personally many years, I have often been overtly criticized for the way I live. I have been called irresponsible. I have been called a mooch. I have been called a free loader. I have been called a lazy hippy and most recently, an insult to people who “work hard for a living.” Well, first and foremost, these things no longer bother me because I know how hard I work. Being a “creative” is not an easy way to make one’s way through a very money centered consciousness and I have always tried to remain true to my passion and my heart. My sisters have often been the biggest critics of my life and my parent’s generosity with me, mainly the one that was born directly before me, who became “born again” when I was 15. [[[ She obsessively screamed at me that I was going to hell for everything I did when I was a teenager, and that I was going to hell anyway unless I accepted Jesus Christ as my eternal savior! Mind you, this is someone who used to RAGE. And I am not talking raising her voice, I am talking screaming and having tantrums that often became so violent that all the neighbors could hear. Now that is totally Christian, is it not? UGH! At this stage of the game, I can laugh and shrug it off, but NO ONE can imagine how much damage that did even to a very strong-willed and minded, intelligent, young person. And for those of you reading this who I have engaged in relentless debates with about organized religion, Christianity, Bible, God and Jesus, maybe this gives you an idea why I adamantly oppose these belief of as I call them, “blind faith beliefs.” “Born again” Christians are some of the biggest hypocrites I know walking the planet.]]] Enough of that! Nonetheless… I was born 6 years after my three older sisters who came along one right after the other. Yes, I was the baby, the caboose, the mistake as I used to joke with my mom. AND I was rumored to be my “mother’s favorite” if she had one, which I think she truly did not. I was the only one of us 4 to actually graduate college with a Bachelor’s degree. But of course, because it was JUST art school, it didn’t really count 😉 Anyway, I did have an agreement with my mother that I wanted NOTHING when my parent’s passed, yet if they helped me while they were alive, they could see me reap the rewards of their gifts/loans. My mom knows that as strong minded as I always have been, that I had a very tender heart. It took me about 40 freaking years to grow thicker skin around many issues that once devastated me, which I will discuss in detail in my book. In my newfound sobriety and clarity, raising of my planetary vibration, I see my WORK quite clearly on this planet. My book is in progress, the outline currently being drafted to submit to publishers. And my photographs over 3 plus decades of our amazing planet, focused on bodies of that necessary life element, WATER, are also being submitted to publishers for potential printing. So yes, this “mooch” is actually making a living and hopefully a mark in this lifetime as a photographer and a writer. And yes, maybe I will even have a few extra dollars in the bank for when a friend is in need! In closing this WORK HARD discussion… To those of you who have been continuously supportive of the way I live, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BIG OLE HEART! And to my blood family members and other critics, I sure hope someday soon you will see THE LIGHT. Maybe by reading my book, things will be opened up and revealed. I simply am no longer invested in defending myself to anyone about how I live. As some wise person once said to me, “Sue, it’s none of your business what other people think or say about you!”

So, for today, on this lovely rapidly approaching Fall Maine day, on the amazing and beautiful planet earth, galaxy Milky Way, I bid you all a simply wonderful day!!! I will surely be revealing more of my images from my extraordinary, life-altering, recent journey, and snippets from my upcoming book/biography on here. Today, just for today, one day at a time, I am going to ask you to invite in the intense LIGHT energy into your hearts that is beaming our planet today. Please click here > “Christine Day, Pleidian Embassador of Light” < to have an explanation of what is transpiring planetarily energetically mainly TODAY, 9/23/17. For those of you who are not already aware, we are in the midst of an extraordinary energetic transformation. And to embody more LIGHT, we must be able to see clearly, dive into and THROUGH the darkness. As Jim Carrey said in his recent rebuttal to W Magazine about his “existentialist interview”… “The only way to it is to step into the river of tears and the sorrows of your life. The things that everyone is avoiding with everything from drugs to drink to sex and gadgets and whatever else you can distract yourself with, all of it is designed for you to never stop going and moving and, for god sakes, not feel the abyss. Don’t allow yourself to feel the abandonment and pain that you’ve suffered. And I’ve done it; I’m through it. I’m sure there will be things that happen again, but I realized that by letting myself fall into it completely, that it’s not to be feared. Death is not to be feared.” Namasté good people, NAMASTÉ!

 

Also posted in Depression, Drug Abuse, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, Maine life, PHOTOGRAPHY, PLEIDIANS, RECOVERY, Religion, Spiritual awakenings

THE HOSPITAL PLANET

In Camden, Maine – August 12, 2017. This is actually the first opportunity I have taken to really reflect on my life since leaving SC with Mona on July 16th. It’s been a journey with a wild array of emotions and travel – connecting with new and old friend along the way, and having some experiences that have forced me to close the door on a few folks who I once called friends and family. That is always tough… AND I wake up every day grateful for my clarity, my sobriety and the person I see emerging inside after many years of suppression, denial, and living in fear. Each day, I learn to like and love that person inside of me more and more. To me, that is the first essential step in recovery/healing… to really start to value one’s own existence, not with a sense of arrogance, but in a manner of self worth/esteem where one can see one’s own value and how we can be of service to our fellow planetary inhabitants, 2 and 4 legged, as well as our beloved planet.

Over the years, I have often been perceived as cocky, self-righteous, opinionated, judgmental etc… No one really could have known how extremely low my own self-esteem was when accusing me of one or all. Yes, I do have strong opinions AND I know that my opinions are usually formulated by my own personal experiences with the situations within’ which I express myself. My life has not been hypothetical, rather quite the opposite. My extensive journeys over the years have brought me often to places of great challenge and learning. In the end, every single one, matter not how painful or blissful, has brought me to a greater awareness of how this thing we call life, a soul having a human skin experience, does indeed work.

For here and now, I will say that I immensely grateful to be WHO I am today, to be seeing the world through new eyes, yes the old photographically trained ones, but through a new and immense sense of gratitude for simply being alive and breathing each day and to also not be afraid to let go of people and places that do not serve my highest good any longer. Of course, it is painful on some level to let go of both friends of longevity and even my own blood family members, but it is a necessity to not interact with those who can possibly fan the ashes of my torched demons that kept me imprisoned in a dark inner cell for many years of my life.

Truly this journey of awakening (not only for those in “recovery” but for each and every single one of us) is absolutely about living one second/minute/hour/day at a time. The more we can live in the moment, the more we can appreciate the immense gift of being alive as humans on this beautiful planet in this lifetime.

Namasté fellow inhabitants!
#enjoytheride #lifeisajourneynotaguidedtour #TheHospitalPlanet

Also posted in Drug Abuse, RECOVERY

THE INSANITY OF NOW… YOUR SECRETS ARE YOUR SICKNESS

Writing for me is usually spontaneous and inspired by events and/or dreams. It’s as if I wake up one morning and the inspiration is more of a demand. Writing is also very cathartic. For this very reason, I have kept journals most of my adult life. Last time I took to the keyboard to blog was after the Orlando shootings. Granted there have been infinite topics since last year’s entry that should have commanded my derrier to sit in the chair and tap the keys. Maybe I have been speechless? hmmmm… Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows this is highly unlikely because I tend to have a burning necessity to proclaim my truth, to “Speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue!” Ironically, I am sitting here listening to Chris Cornell’s “Higher Truth” as my fingertips are busy busy. Shall I begin with musings of Chris’ life and death first? Or should it be religion? Or should it be politics? Or should it be awareness? It may all just merge together… round and round she goes… addressing topics people would much rather have their head in the sand about.

CHRIS CORNELL… AND OTHER INSPIRATIONS

There is nothing in my playlist that resembles true “grunge.” There is some Eddie Vedder from the movie “Into the Wild.” That soundtrack was mesmerizing. Eddie’s voice is hypnotic. And I won’t go into depth about what that movie meant to me. Some people think I am crazy for seeing it up to 12 times. Others have accused me of wanting to live like Chris McCandless did. Nah, truthfully, I like my creature comforts way too much! I know many lines from that epic film by heart and scenes for sure. Yes, I know when Chris starts paraphrasing Thoreau, when Rainey jabs at Chris about being an “industrious little fucker” and about the obsession, his desperate NEED to experience being in the middle of the WILD. This is where McCandless and I see eye to eye. There is NOTHING like being in the wilderness without humans to soil the serenity and rawness of it all. The scene in particular that invokes DEEP emotion each time I see it is when Chris is asked by Mr Franz (Hal Holbrook) to be his son as he is finally leaving Southern California to embark on the BIG journey North. A little aside here… back in October of 2011, I ran into Hal Holbrook at Trader Joe’s in Richmond, VA. He was not really trying to be inconspicuous, but it was difficult to recognize him as he was in his “Lincoln” character at the time. As fate would have it, I ended up directly behind him in line. As with other celebrities I have met out in public, I have never been afraid to talk with them as if they are one of us, because most of them really are unless their ego is humongous! I started the interaction with Hal by tapping him gently on the shoulder and telling him that he looked a lot like someone famous from the movies and then I winked 😉  He smiled back and reached out his hand to shake mine. I then proceeded to tell him how taken aback I had been by his role in “Into the Wild.” As the genuine and humble being that I have always assumed he was, he said, “I was completely honored to have been involved with such amazing actors and a genius director in Sean Penn.” I agreed with his assessment of Penn as a director, although when I had met Sean in San Francisco many years earlier, he struck me as a bit of a prick. He’s got a reputation to uphold.

Back to Chris, depression and addiction… There were a few songs of Chris’ that I loved and “Higher Truth” was one of my favs. I also am fond of “Seasons” and “Like A Stone.” Other than those three songs, I hadn’t known much about Chris or his life, career and/or tendencies towards severe depression. I DID know he was sober, but I didn’t know he was taking Ativan. After all, most folks who claim to be “sober” do not take dangerous and highly addictive drugs like Benzodiazepines (Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, Vallium, Serax) which were developed initially to be used to assist immediately with crippling anxiety attacks, not to be taken in high doses on a daily basis.  Those drugs can also be an easy “gateway” back to alcohol. Using both in combination can be lethal. And trying to withdraw suddenly from either can also be lethal. You might ask how I know this?

CO-OCCURRING… MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION

After my mom passed away in April of 2015, I fell into a DEEP depression. I wasn’t working at all and could NOT work. (Many did not understand this and judged me and still do. And right here is my middle finger for them!) This particular period of depression AND anxiety was severe and was definitely not the first time in my life I felt this way. One of the only things I was doing was regularly attending 12 step meetings in my hometown, which most times made me want to drive directly to the store to buy a six pack afterwards. Months went by and I finally succumbed to the constant urge to drink. Depression does that. Isolation does that. Hiding your feelings does that. Your sick mind gives you this great idea that you can escape how horrible you are feeling. Sure, that’s true for a few hours, until you wake up the next morning feeling like suicidal hammered dog shit. I can’t remember when I REALLY lost my sobriety again in 2015, (I’d been at it since March of 2010) but I suspect it was around mid September of ’15. I just remember going to California to pick up Moby the VW van and drinking rather socially there and on the drive back to NY as well. I feel like the relapse could be another blog entirely, but what I will just segue here by saying is that severe depression is not just a “bad attitude,” “negative thinking,” or something that one just get’s over by “pulling ones self up by the bootstraps.” Clinical depression and mental illness are VERY serious diseases that are crippling and debilitating at times. My very close friends who have saved me from intentionally overdosing or jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, know this about me and the disease I have struggled with for many years; having remembered my first major depressive episode around 7 years old. Nonetheless, eventually we will find out exactly what happened with Chris Cornell. For now, I can testify from my own personal use AND abuse of Ativan, (sometimes up to 6 mgs per day) that it is NOT a drug to be messed with. Withdrawal is excruciating at times and often people develop suicidal thoughts or hallucinations and/or both. During my attempted withdrawal while having been in the supervision of someone who knew very little about withdrawal from benzos, it was suggested when my drugs ran out that I should “tough it out” and “buck up and get through it” if I truly wanted to get off of them fast and forever. If that person only knew what it felt like in my skin and in my brain, they never would have said that. I knew abrupt withdrawal was definitely not the way to get off of them, but I certainly wasn’t thinking clearly and attempted to appease the person who’s company I was in. After three days, going from 3 mg down to nothing, I “toughed it out” alright… right to the ER after 3 nights of insomnia, hallucinations, hot and cold sweats, trembling uncontrollably and feeling extremely suicidal. I couldn’t sleep, eat, drive, or see straight. I sobbed hysterically for hours and used an entire box of Kleenex. Everything I EVER felt negatively about myself, my life, my intimate relationships, was playing right in front of my face on an enormous screen in high definition technicolor with surround sound and looping to boot. I also was in danger of a stroke, seizure, heart attack or all 3. Immediately upon arrival, the ER doc gave me a 2mg injection, and supervised me until I was stable enough to leave. They sent me away with an emergency Rx to get “the devil drug” back in my system until I could find help to properly detox from it. My next step which needed to be accomplished rapidly, was to find an outpatient program and a substance abuse/mental health counselor as well as an MD who would help me withdraw, regularly urine test me, and NOT up my dosage each time I asked like my old doctor did. Needless to say, she is not my MD any longer. Someone was definitely watching over me, (mom) because everything I needed for treatment fell right into place in a mere matter of days. During the withdrawal process, it is suggested that one tapers down VERY slowly because the side effects are brutal. Each time I lowered my dose, I felt the agitation, the irritation, the physical side effects of profuse sweating and palpitating heart etc. Breathing deeply works for a spell. Exercise works ok too. Magnesium L-Threonate and 5HTP at bedtime in HIGH doses works a bit for the insomnia which ensues. Each time I lowered my dose, usually by .25 mg a script, I went through “little pergatory” for a spell before feeling somewhat “normal” or stabilized. My Ativan was initially prescribed much like I assume Cornell’s was, to assist in the withdrawal from alcohol and the anxiety and depression that went along with it. The problem is that the drug is HIGHLY addictive and I should never have been taking more than .5 mg and ONLY when I experienced intense anxiety. During that horrific attempted “cold turkey” withdrawal, I could have wound up like Cornell, but I had the help of incredible professionals and a great support system that has very little to do with traditional recovery or the 12 steps to help me get back on track. The 12 steps have saved lots of lives, but the question is… Aren’t they a bit outdated? Same meetings, same literature, same format, same people, same stories looping over and over again… Needless to say, I’m happy to be pursuing a new career in the recovery field and am pleased to see how it is evolving from archaic ideas that once convinced folks that they were powerless and had to surrender to “God” to help kick their addictions, to a new form of EMPOWERING people to NOT be powerless over anything. Sorry to all you AA-ers, but it never worked for me and now I understand exactly why. Maybe it never worked for Chris Cornell either. My hope is that we are moving into a new age of holistic recovery where safe/recovery houses (that charge 1400 per month to share a small room) and traditional rehabs (that are similar to jails, attempting to brainwash both mentally and physically sick souls into wellness in 30 days) are going to be a thing of the past. Could it be possible that we are moving into a new age where mental illness AND addiction are no longer going to be stigmatized or considered illegitimate health issues? They are probably two of the most serious diseases that get shelved time and again because they have to do with our brain’s function. As a woman friend said in a meeting I attended last week, “If I was sitting here telling a room full of strangers that I was recovering from breast cancer, I would get all kinds of sympathy and love. But here I am saying that I have mental health issues and addiction problems and I am potentially open to being publicly scorned!” Point here??? Recovery IS recovery whether it’s from cancer OR mental health issues and/OR addiction. Depression and addiction are both epidemics of insane proportions in our society and country and they are still being largely ignored… THIS MUST CHANGE QUICKLY IF WE ARE TO SAVE LIVES!

onto more of “THE INSANITY OF NOW”

I don’t know what was going on astrologically in the last 48 hours, but some really whacko shit happened yesterday for sure. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a TRUTH seeker in ALL aspects of my life. Religion or “faith” is often a touchy subject, but politics is NOT, nor should it ever be something “private” for one’s decision to vote, and candidate of choice, effect every single one of us as well as the entire world! I believe many who voted for the garbage currently in office are embarrassed to admit any longer that they did. Those who are still defending 45 are either in denial, delusional and/or #foxnewswashed. More on that particular insanity later… On the topic of religion (some call it faith) my deviation from Catholicism and/or Christianity began about 40 years ago during my evening studies to prepare to make my confirmation after I left Catholic grade school. I told my mother that if she sent me to Catholic high school that she would never see me again, that I would run away and NEVER come back. Recollecting as far back to my first communion, I can remember thinking… “Why am I eating this round thing pretending that it is part of someone’s body?” My parents and peers knew I was a smart child, but my rebellion began when I was asked to confirm my belief in THE messiah. Nope, not me… Don’t ask me exactly why, but I just knew in my gut and my heart that I would rather be skipping my religious education classes and toking a spliff with Larry R behind St Bernadettes. My mother didn’t speak to me for 4 months when I pulled out of confirmation. It was the beginning of an earnest Spiritual quest that continues to be an educational journey each and every day. (If you really want to know about my Spiritual beliefs and about “experiencing God” you’ll have to wait for my blog about being in “church” with the Native Americans in a sundown to sunrise teepee peyote ceremony in Oregon in the summer of 1999. It changed my life FOREVER! If I ever doubted there was a spiritual world beyond this one, I absolutely no longer do.) Basically, for the sake of ending this blog and sticking to the point I am trying to make, I believe in the ENERGY of the Universe that responds to our thoughts and actions to create our reality. I believe in karma. I’m not big on the word prayer, but I do believe in positive thought and sending LIGHT to others when they are in need. Call it prayer if you want to, but prayer connotes religion and I simply don’t do an organized one of those. My belief is that the sooner we start taxing churches, the sooner we will be able to provide health care for everybody, which I believe in today’s modern society should be a right, not a privilege.

Here’s the thing with “faith” – believe anything you want in regards to religion/faith, but #1, just be a good person, damnit. Obey the golden rule and please don’t ever tell me that what I believe is bullshit and I will return the favor. I’ve learned to keep my staunch opinions a bit to myself on this ONE topic! 😉  Last but not least, PLEASE don’t ever try to convince me that something you believe is what I should be believing! As I mentioned to a dear, very long time friend last night, we might all have different ways to get to the LIGHT. We might call the LIGHT different things. But in the end, the LIGHT is LOVE and IMO, GOD IS LOVE. Therefore, my religion is LOVE. My religion is KINDNESS. My religion is TRUTH. And just for the record, the flow chart of determining religions posted on my Facebook yesterday was meant for a chuckle. My most sincere apologies if anyone was offended by it.

TRYING TO COVER UP THE TRUTH ISN’T WORKING ANY LONGER

Last night I had a very heated and reactionary debate with someone who I love a lot that told me to “get a life” when I started talking about the 1% and the corruption in our Republic. (BTW folks, we are NOT a Democracy, we are a REPUBLIC that is SUPPOSED to be run in a democratic fashion.) At least that is how our forefathers intended it to be. Anyway, when the topic of 911 came up and it being an inside job, I was accused of being “crazy.” So be it… bat shit crazy for the TRUTH is what I am! Those buildings were ALL detonated on 911 and there are over 2000 engineers world wide who have testified to this, especially building #7! [Google it if you have the nerve to maybe have your mind altered and blown! Here’s a quick video for starters… 911 Truth Video Can Not Be Debunked.] Say whatever you want about my sanity, but I base my views on FACTS and what I feel in my GUT to be TRUE. If you choose to, it’s your prerogative to stay in the dark, listen to the mass media and to our government telling lie after lie… IN MY OPINION, it’s totally your loss to live behind the veil. If ignorance is bliss, then so be it for the one who refuses to ask questions where questions SHOULD be asked. I’d rather know the ugly TRUTH and get pissed off than hide my head in the sand! The war after 911 made a lot of the 1% a hell of a lot more wealthy. Crazy? I don’t think so. Human life over $/oil? Nope, remember that Michael Jackson song, “They Don’t Really Care About Us?” Bingo! that is our government. As the dearly departed George Carlin once said, “QUESTION EVERYTHING!”

Ok, nearing an ending on this one. Reflecting on the last two days, maybe my internal unrest and exterior conflict on this was triggered by watching the miniseries “The People v OJ Simpson – An American Crime Story.” If anyone hasn’t seen it yet, it is gripping and truth telling and spine chilling. Anyone who has known me since childhood knows that I was a huge “Juice” fan when he played for Buffalo. In 1975, my brother-in-law took a beautiful portrait of OJ in the locker room with a nappy head after just removing his helmet. He enlarged it and took it back the next home game for OJ to personally autograph it for me. It was matted and framed and gifted to me on my 11th birthday. It read “to Susie, all my best, OJ Simpson #32.” I still have it packed away somewhere, although I really don’t know why because the knowledge that he got away with BRUTAL murder makes me want to vomit to this day. To have watched my childhood idol and his attorneys lie their asses off and pull a race card to get him off, while somehow being able to sleep at night, reminds me much of what is currently going on in our “government” except on a MUCH larger and horribly corrupt scale. The American people will continue to be victims of the murder of our civil liberties until #WETHEPEOPLE get out there and take this government down. I’m not just talking about impeachment, I am talking about a total 2 party abolishment and a government that WORKS FOR THE PEOPLE, not just the 1%.

OK, off my soapbox now… To answer the looming question, I am still sober and intend to live out the remainder of my life as such and hopefully help others come back from the abyss of mental health issues and addiction. They do go hand in hand 95% of the time. Feel free to leave ANY comments or opinions if you wish. Rest assured “The Insanity of 45” is coming soon 🙂  Namasté


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