Category Archives: RECOVERY

WE WILL SOON REALIZE WE CANNOT EAT MONEY ~ Cree Proverb

Sits on my dashboard right in front of the passenger seat should it ever be occupied.

Today’s musing is inspired by my 91 year old father, Tony AND Agnes, a sweet 88 year old woman I met at 7 am in Tim Horton’s yesterday morning. She walked by me as I was setting up shop with my computer and started talking with me, saying that she didn’t envy our generation’s use of these things, meaning smart phones and computers. I chatted with her for a few minutes and then asked her to join me. She did briefly, explaining that she had to do her crossword for the day. I suggested she go to her “brain exercises” and then come and join me for a fresh cup of coffee.” She returned about 40 minutes later with a completed puzzle. It was so sweet to see, because my mom after having had her stroke in 2011, taught herself after losing her right side functions in part, how to write with her left hand so that she could do her puzzles, knit, and Jingo. May all the BLESSINGS BE to these elderly folks who have kept their brains sharp doing these little exercises. My mom transitioned with ALL her cookies at 87 and my Dad still has all his at 91. Guess I’ve got some mental astuteness genes to grow old into if I keep my brain at the “gym.” 😉

A topic Agnes and I stumbled upon quite early in our conversation was about the dire state of affairs in our country that is evident to all who have their eyes open. (Yes, there are still MANY wearing the blinders, some so thick and heavy that even if they wanted to take them off, they couldn’t!) She expounded upon all the things she has seen since 1929. She was a very young girl during the great depression and an orphan to boot. She witnessed how without community help, people perished. From infancy to age six she was in an orphanage and those years were hell to her. She stated in essence how people had an entirely different mentality towards money back then and the barter system was in full swing during the depression and for some time afterwards. In a nutshell, Agnes really traced all the problems we currently are experiencing in this great nation of ours back to GREED. AND I COULD NOT AGREE MORE.

This particular blog is very relevant for me. Good friends of mine know that when I travel in KaraVan, I budget accordingly and have never had issues as I always have a credit card for backup. On this latest trip to Maine and Nova Scotia, I ended up crossing the border from Canada with $2.37 back on September 20th after nearly a month in Canada and after eating rice and beans for 10 days straight! (I didn’t really care because what I was doing was far more important than what I was eating!) After crossing over at Calais, Maine 6 am, I had to pull over and wait until 9 am for my friend “Kitty’s” Paypal gift to arrive in my account so that I could fill up my gas tank to get to my destination in Belfast where my “good mechanic” was. I was toatlly exhausted. The main reason I was SO exhausted was because I got ROBBED BLINDLY by a mechanic in Nova Scotia and had spent the last 7 days struggling with a van that would stall at all times, often while traveling 60  mph on the highway or just when idling and she would cease to be restarted until 20-30 minutes later after for it to cool down.  (Please if you are reading this, DO NOT EVER GO TO “JEFF’S OLD VOLKS HOME” in East Chester, Nova Scotia.)  Yes, JOVH… It sure is a clever and amusing name and one might expect an older guy with a beard and dirty coveralls to appear with a screwdriver in hand and ask with what he might be able to help. Instead, I walked into a brand new building with meticulously uniformed employees that began their work day at 8 am ON THE DOT. The work orders were all neatly lined up on the desk and in the pit of my stomach I had a bad feeling… And ever since that day, I WILL NEVER, EVER NOT LISTEN TO MY GUT AGAIN. And Jeff? When recently called out on the FACT that he charged me almost $700 and didn’t fix the problem, after two trips and charging me an extra 1.5 hours for labor that I recorded while waiting right there at his shop, he proceeded to recite some legal jargon to me about his policies when I debated with him about the fee. ARROGANT PRICK is what I call men like him… Money hungry to boot to pay for everything brand spanking new at his OLD Volks Home. It’s quite ironic, no? By the way, the BEST mechanic, Iain Pottle at the Beetle Shop in Belfast, Maine had my van for two days after the Jeff’s Old Volks Home fiasco and only billed me $125.00 at an attempted fix. Now, that to me is good and FAIR business. He treated me like a human being who had experienced a lot of trouble with a single problem and was committed to finding out what that problem was, not just treating me like another number who he could bill out to @ $100/hr especially because they were “on the road” and would probably never see you again… Bravo, Iain for actually diagnosing and then fixing and standing behind what you do, how you do and why you do!

The fabulous Iain Pottle and Stacie in Belfast Maine.

I keep wondering when people are going to realize that the love of money (AKA GREED) is going to be the death of us as humanity, especially in the Capitalistic West? We are watching our corporate owned government rape and lie to us daily. We continue to take all the fossil fuels from our mother while having knowledge of alternative energy sources that would TOTALLY supply us with what we need, plus some… My biggest question is… What are people going to do when the paper stuff is no longer worth anything? Recently, when I needed $360 to be lent to me to pay the crook in Nova Scotia, amongst five I asked for help, two of my friends stepped forward with their credit cards – my accountant who did my #’s for many years in San Francisco, and my soul sister, Silvia in Austria who I have known and LOVED since 1994 when we ventured to Croatia to work with the Bosnian refugee children in the camps. Both of these folks and I share the same heart space and we all know that MONEY IS JUST AN ENERGY. When one hangs onto it, one does not welcome more of it, rather constricts the flow. I did lose a 24 year friendship over someone’s inability to extend a very temporary loan to me for that repair. And I simply have to chalk it up who I NEED in my life as we continue to head into what are apparently very dire times in our country due to intense natural disasters and our government not doing a thing to actually serve it’s people as it was intended to by our forefathers. GREED HAS DESTROYED CONGRESS. GREED IS SITTING IN THE OVAL OFFICE. GREED IS SUGGESTING a $700 BILLION increase in defense while leaving single payer heath care on the back burner.  BIG $$ IS OIL. BIG $$ IS PHARMACEUTICALS. BIG $$ IS INSURANCE. BIG MONEY HAS CORRUPTED OUR GOVERNMENT BEYOND RECOGNITION…

In concluding this particular missive, the Universe seems to be accomplishing a natural weeding out process for me, a natural selection of sorts, leaving those of like-mind and heart AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, those who are concerned first and foremost with their fellow human’s  and our mother’s well-being. Nope, we certainly will NOT be able to eat currency. So, my question is… what are YOU going to do? Are you going to hold onto a piece of coal, wait and hope that is turns into a diamond? Or are you going to step forward and see your fellow humans in need and extend a form of energy to them that will not always be available or any other for that matter if it is terribly excruciating to part with the green stuff $$$ After all these years, I simply am left wondering in disbelief how people cling so desperately to money?How much does one actually need? And if you are saving for a rainy day? Remember, some place on this earth it is raining. ALSO PLEASE REMEMBER, IT IS IN GIVING THAT WE RECEIVE… OPEN YOUR HEART AND GIVE SOMETHING TO SOMEONE TODAY, PLEASE?

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I CERTAINLY WANT 
GOOD 
KARMA IN THESE CHALLENGING TIMES 🙂

Namasté

Also posted in ARMAGEDDON, CORPORATE GREED, GOLDEN RULE, GOVERNMENT, GREED, IGNORANCE, LIES, Native Americans, politics, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend, TRUMP, VW VANAGON REPAIR Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!

Come on out Sisters, wave your flags and speak your truth!

“The revelations about Harvey Weinstein have stuck a deep cord within me. Not because this kind of thing is anything new, but because, for the very first time in my lifetime, our society is not protecting a powerful and rich sexual predator– and neither is his wife. Or the media. Why? Because women have finally become strong enough and empowered enough collectively to risk telling the truth. And instead of backing down, we are rising in support. The tide is really turning. Back in the 1980’s when I was starting out in practice, I saw the toll that silence about abuse takes on women’s bodies. I noticed that many women with conditions such as chronic pelvic pain had been sexually abused. My colleagues denied this and told me my patients were “crazy” and that they only saw “normal” women. I persisted in telling the truth. And it cost me. But over time, my observations have become mainstream and we have the data to prove it. Long ago, Sonia Johnson who wrote From Housewife to Heretic, wrote, ” Women are rising like yeast all over the planet.” And indeed– that yeast has just taken a quantum leap. Predators beware. Your days are numbered. I know we have a long way to go still. But– women have been oppressed for about 5000 years. And we only got the right to vote in the US in 1919. ( which passed by only one vote and was not an easy battle.)

The change is speeding up– the light is getting lighter. Quickly. And that is why the Dark is fighting so hard to maintain control. Trust the light. You with me?” Dr Christiane Northrop

Namasté

IT”S SIMPLY TIME TO WAKE UP GALS!
The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend is currently taking new members.

Artwork by Phyllis DeJohn, best friend of Barbara A Ruof

Also posted in 45, ASSWIPE IN CHIEF, Depression, Dignity, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, Spiritual awakenings, SPIRITUALITY, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend, Vaccine Damage Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

DIARY OF AN ANGRY WHITE WOMAN WHO TAKES NICE PICTURES :-)

Final sunset unaltered, Lake Megunticook – Camden, Maine – 9/22/17

I’m finding it quite interesting how folks have been offering up their opinions about my anger and how it is directed, especially those who have not taken the time to read my blogs and have only seen my “pukes” on SaveFacebook. Really now, heaven forbid one should be angry and actually write about it or express it? [ Shhhh. Don’t let them see that. What will the neighbors think? ] Part of my work on this planet in this lifetime is to bring awareness to the beauty of the planet through my imagery. In essence, it is about saying, “Take a look at this. If we don’t wake up as a collective consciousness, this ain’t gonna be here much sooner than later.” So, my writing in many ways, and not anything but pulling straight up punches, is about the things I feel people are still not seeing, about pointing out moral and ethical wrong doings, about calling out “blowhards” like these straight, white, male, rednecks I went to High School with when I get called a “rug muncher” or an “angry lesbian” or a “man hater” or a “sensitive pussy.” Sorry, I am just not evolved enough to sit back and send compassion to such ignorance who still in 2017 judges anyone by their sexuality or the color of their skin, heaven forbid. Nope, not there yet. May never be.Its clear to me that often one gets more reward in life with sugar than vinegar. This is not a time for sugar coating anything, my friends… (that is those who truly still qualify.) Just a little aside here…There is a fabulous photographer named Dewitt Jones and his tag line is “Celebrate What’s Right with the World.” I strive to photograph like Dewitt and put that message out there with my imagery. My writing obviously addresses other “issues” I feel need to be focused on to be able to KEEP CELEBRATING WHAT’S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD FOR GENERATIONS TO COME!”

 

I’m not going to apologize for being brash or a hard ass any longer. However, if someone steps forward that feels I have personally offended them, I will certainly listen. Maybe some feel like I just let loose, but if I have actually offended anyone personally, I will certainly take it to heart and most likely 99% offer you a most sincere apology and look to see how I can better phrase what I write or say. Mostly, I just write my free flowing thoughts and feelings to humanity at large. And if you haven’t figured it out by now, one of my biggest issues with humanity at large in this day and age, is THE INABILITY TO BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT. The second is IGNORANCE. Ex. Mona and I were driving to a Dr’s appointment the other morning and on the I-90 where the 400 splits off to East Aurora, a woman cut across 3 lanes of traffic and then slammed on her brakes to make the exit when she was in front of my slow house that doesn’t stop on a dime. Needless to say, I had to SLAM on the brakes and everything, including poor little Mona and myself, went flying. THAT is the perfect example of not being present. Whatever she was doing that caused her to do such a thing at the last moment, caused not only myself and my sweet animal shock, but a few other drivers as well.

We are a nation GUILTY of NOT BEING PRESENT and QUITE SICK WITH SELF-ABSORPTION IF YOU ASK ME! (Heaven forbid you should ask me!) We spend the majority of our time ruminating on the mistakes of the past, the coulda, shoulda, woulda or worrying about the future. If we truly could live and breathe in the moment, instead of needing to check our phone every 5 minutes, we would be a happier and centered collective body of human energy. And yes, that is what we are, a COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS. So, how about we think more about switching the I, I, I verbiage to the WE, WE, WE??? In closing this topic about expression of anger, if one more person mentions my anger issues to me without reading my blog, well, I can’t promise what might come their way! At least they have the decency to preface it with “I didn’t read your blog, but…” Whatever… it’s one of the main reasons that I have exited from SaveFacebook because of the I, I, I look at me shit. And also because people simply do not take the time to read any longer. So, I say…. DEATH TO THE 2 SECOND ATTENTION SPAN!

On the “collective.” A fellow Spiritualist and healing facilitator and I were speaking last night and she said something to me, quite adamantly I will add, about putting out energy to something and making it bigger. And at one point she said something about being drained by what I put energy into. Some say that being angry is not Spiritual. Some say that putting attention onto the current extreme dysfunction in our country is not doing any good because it just gets me more pissed off and it will be what it will be and shift on it’s own… FALSE, FALSE, AND FALSE! Once I do something/anything such as taking MY precious time to write a blog or speak with someone about what (I FEEL) needs to happen to make positive and effective change, I feel a whole lot better AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS OF ATTEMPTING TO HEAL HUMANITY AND OUR PLANET.

In closing this morning’s missive…NO ONE CAN KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LIVE IN MY SKIN RIGHT NOWABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!! No one knows the gamut of emotions I am currently experiencing. I think a few have a pretty good idea about how much I am enraged by what is currently happening to our county induced by a government that has NOT worked FOR the people in a VERY LONG TIME. Anyone who has tragically lost a sibling might be able to relate a bit. But please, before you go giving me advice on how to move through what I am currently moving through or what to do to cease my anger, walk a mile in my moccasins. I don’t really wish the current gamut of emotional waves washing over me on anyone right now. (Except for the pure bliss and connection to the DIVINE I feel when I channel my sister in her late 20’s and blast the Rolling Stones.) I realize that it is my job to keep letting those feelings flow, especially the extreme sadness, to let the tears flow and to direct my anger at what I am generally angry at >> The INABILITY TO BE PRESENT and IGNORANCE << to release them in a safe environment and ultimately to keep working to find compassion for what I FEEL IS IGNORANCE – as well as to work to help people find out what it actually means and feels like to be PRESENT IN THE MOMENTUnlike my dear B who felt her work was done on this planet, mine has only just begun. Wasn’t that a Carpenter’s song???

Namasté

Also posted in Depression, Emotions, euthenasia, IGNORANCE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, social media addiction, Spiritual awakenings, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , |

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE – today’s brief thoughts on trauma, suppression and moving THROUGH grief

Like many others of my generation, I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about anything. Shhhhh. what might the neighbors think? There were horrible arguments in my home growing up as the child of an alcoholic. And without fail, a day or two later, after the “Sounds of Silence,” people would break it and act as if nothing ever happened and simply go on with their lives. On occasion, there would be days, weeks or even months that went by and not a word was spoken. What happens to all that energy not expelled, all that tucked into the cells of our beings – festering in the “Sounds of Silence?”

I truly hope at some point that the numerous people who have criticized me over the years for this or that or whatever the fuck they thought MY problem was, will read these blogs or my upcoming book and possibly understand on a deeper level what it is actually like to grow up in a household with constant trauma as a über sensitive soul. When a child is so young and vulnerable, they have no way of defending their self from the ENERGY of ANGER, of RAGE of constant discord in an environment that molds them. A child should be in a happy and nurturing environment always. (Example, children are sensitive to energy just like animals are. They are pure souls without defense mechanisms. That is what makes them so beautiful, their innocence. Over the course of the last days since I found out about my sister’s death, I have had to shelter my sweet Mona from my immense emotional expulsions of grief. When I first found out about Barb’s death, the sounds that were exiting my body were none I have ever made before. And because I have done SO MUCH WORK to be at my level of self-awareness, I know that to suppress is to get sick. SO I FUCKING LET IT OUT!!! Depression on many levels, is simply anger and/or sadness turned inward. And I am NEVER going back there. NEVER. So if I need to emote, I am going to do so in a safe environment so that the ENERGY coming from me is not absorbed by anyone around me, 2 or 4 legged.)

The intention of writing and publishing a book about my journeys in life is not about EGO gratification. Rather it’s about real life experiences that people who suffer/struggle from any kind of trauma, mental health issue or addiction can hopefully relate to. It’s for people who are in recovery, and no, I am not just talking about drugs and alcohol. It’s intended for people who have been victims of abuse, of domestic violence, people who struggle with abuse of ANY kind, people who have been victims of homophobia, people who have suffered or currently suffer from mental illness, depression, anxiety, or more other serious diagnosis. I’m simply writing so that I can help others through REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES, not hypothetical ones. So many self help books have been written on recovery that come from a clinical standpoint, people who have studied all of the aforementioned soul sicknesses. And although more are rapidly emerging, in comparison, there have been few that are written from actual life experiences. I do believe this is the new form of “therapy.” Instead of going to have “treatment” with someone that has a bunch of letters behind their name, the recovery coaches of the new age are going to simply hang a shingle out that says. “My name is so and so and I have been through the HELL and back.” And they won’t charge $175 per hour, yet if one doesn’t have that idiotic green stuff we all value so much in this life, the door will still be open – sliding scale and FREE if people do not have money and need help. This is my way I can give back to humanity. Because after all, that is WHY we are here, to be of service to our fellow humans and our planet. End of story.

So, in closing this brief musing today, I hope that by reading my real life accounts of being IN it and moving THROUGH it, people can find a life of freedom, liberation, and experience the true nature of their soul, a happiness and bliss that is not BECAUSE of anyone or anything outside of ourselves. IT IS JUST BECAUSE IT IS OUR GODDAMN BIRTH RIGHT! Namasté

Also posted in ARMAGEDDON, Barbara A Ruof, Emotions, HELL, IGNORANCE, Suicide, TRAUMA Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , |

THE TOWN THAT FRIENDSHIP BUILT AND GOSSIP DESTROYED

THIS BLOG IS PUBLISHED IN HONOR OF A WOMAN WHO WAS NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK HER TRUTH EVER… RIP B… 7.20.54 – 9.28.17

And I welcome myself back to what I currently dub as borderline civil war hell, aka the Divided States of America. Some who have known me many years know that because of my extensive travels on the North American continent, Europe and the Middle East, I have often returned to the US, which is where my passport was issued, thinking how utterly dysfunctional we are as a nation. I make that statement not discounting the great things about this nation I cherish, such as my freedom of speech first and foremost, and my birth as a woman in a relatively “free country” that allows me to travel the world. Yes, there are definitely a few things, alongside the immense beauty of this land, that I value as being a US Citizen. Some call my opinions based on experience and facts about the current state of affairs in the US unpatriotic . Some deem my opinions based on experience and facts a display of my arrogance. Some simply call my opinions based on experience and facts being an “asshole!” Needless to say, after 32 years of excursions outside of this country, I have earned the right to say that the USA is DEFINITELY NOT THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. And I question if it ever indeed was… 

the road to the border crossing in Calais, Maine

After leaving the bubble of peaceful Canada a full week ago on 9/20 and Maine just this past Saturday, 9/23, I knew that my arrival in Hamburg, NY was imminent. Today, I shall travel to “the Town that Friendship Built and Gossip Destroyed.” I don’t bunk down there any longer when in Western NY thanks to a great friend with an uber serene place out in the country who stores my few remaining possessions of value and gives Mona and I refuge and use of her house when needed. The further away from Hamburg the better for me!!! The town is an ever more sprawling suburb south of the city of Buffalo by say 20-90 minutes, depending on the weather. Hamburg is also right smack dab in the middle of the “snow belt.” So when you read in the paper or see on TV that Buffalo got 6 feet of snow, it most likely is in Hamburg. My parents moved us there when I was 2, when Parker Road was still a country road. We had a big back yard an iconic red barn across the street with horses. Traffic was minimal and it was an ideal place to grow up playing outside. When the farmer across the street died, a greedy neighbor down the street bought the property and land and then sold it to a developer who built these audacious “patio homes.” When they tore down the barn across the street to build, I cried. Yes, my 91 year old father still lives in his home on Parker Road. Admittedly, I have mostly had a hate relationship with that area/town. Why? First, because I endured so much intense family dysfunction in my parent’s home growing up with a raging alcoholic. Second, when I was 7 years old, I developed VITILIGO, an autoimmune disorder where the melanocyte cells attack one another and one’s pigment disappears. (In my book, I shall detail what the Spiritual/Metaphysical explanation is to Vitiligo. It basically is a “complete inability to feel like one belongs” according to Louise Hay.

with a equine friend/family in Meat Cove, Nova Scotia.  When wee ones ask about my skin disorder, I tell them I am half human, half horse 🙂

One can only imagine the scars this left on me well into my mid 40’s. Here I will extend big gratitude to some of my childhood friends from St Bernadette’s catholic grade school like Paula Jordan, Amy Marshall, Joanie Pawlowski, Cathy Carlone, Mark Weimer, Larry Rosiek, Joe Ruesch… who were all very sweet about my unsightly disorder as a child. They affectionately dubbed me “Cougar” and Paula told me yesterday that her very sweet, nearing 90 year old mom, Mary Beth, still calls me Cougar to this day!  [[ I’m not sure exactly why cougar because leopards had spots, not cougars. Amy Marshall called me Cougar Poopathorn.]] Anyway, thanks to the few who were kind and screw the rest who stared and said “ewww!” I specifically remember one time at the village swimming pool when a kid a bit older than me walked by me, pointed and stared and said to her mother “Ewwww, what is wrong with her skin?” (I’ve always had olive Croatian skin and tan fast and dark leaving my “spots” blaring.) She looked as if by glaring at it, she would catch it. It’s just a small example of the pain due to human’s ignorance I endured in this white bread mentality town over the years. For some reason, as a friend and I recently discussed, there is an air of superiority that exists in this weird fucking town. For some reason, some of the “high society” people in Hamburg had this strange idea that they were better than everyone else. Mostly, it was the parent’s of my friends who had a membership to the local country club. And if your father was a dentist or a doctor, it gave your mother a reason to walk around like “her shit didn’t stink” as my beloved down-to-earth mother used to say.

So, this upcoming time in Western New York will be short lived. I’m not interested in staying in an area any longer that has such bad memories and a faction of GOP ignorance in the population that refuses to see the current destruction this administration is wreaking country and worldwide. Quite honestly, as I have agreed on numerous forums of late, we all are entitled to our opinions. However, when your opinions are based on #fakenews, and current government and media propaganda to promote what the Orange Anus is attempting to execute, should you initiate a discussion, I WILL FEVERISHLY DEBATE YOU WITH FACTS until the day is long. So beware my WNY friends, if we do not share the same thoughts about the current POTUS and how he and his media (Fox and Breitbart) are persistently attempting to destroy and divide America, you just might want to avoid me. Yes, J.P., an uneducated and military arrogant ass I went to High School with (I strongly disliked him there because he thought he was God’s gift and only liked to affiliate with the prettiest girls, although he never could get one) I want to thank you for showing your true self yesterday by rebutting to my request for reason on a friend’s post, by calling me fat, ugly, telling me I looked like Bruce Jenner, (little did he know that Bruce does not exist any longer) attacking my supposed sexuality (which is rumored only and food for that wonderful gossip that destroys relationships) and showing your true ignorance. You made me feel like I was right back in grade school again and getting mocked for my skin disorder and teased relentlessly for being overweight. Except, as a 53 year old, well travelled, well educated, tough bitch who has been through far more shit than was in your fatigue pants when you served, I realize how unbelievably shallow some folks still are. I thank the Great Spirits that BE, that I have grown up to understand that you are most likely and quite sadly suffering enough from your own insecurities to attack someone else as such. I’ll be back! Namasté

 

Also posted in 45, Drug Abuse, Election 2016, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, GOP 2017, INSANITY OF NOW..., NY, PLEIDIANS, politics, Spiritual awakenings

A FURTHER AWAKENING – September 23, 2017 – EMBODY THE LIGHT

A very good 9/23/17 morning to you all from the town of Camden, Maine! This beautiful mid-coast community was my home on and off from 1988-1991. It holds a very special place in my heart as well as I am discovering, an energetic power grid on our continent. I have long wondered why I feel so at peace here, why I connect so deeply to nature, the people, the Maine culture, and most importantly, my higher self. Recollecting back to my 3rd month into this stretch of my sobriety earlier this year, around my birthday in March, I made a commitment to spend my summer in Maine and Nova Scotia, not knowing exactly how that would happen. My thoughts and words were sent out to the Universe with conviction and well, WE made it happen! Yes WE! I had the help of many others I shall mention along the way in my book. On August 3rd, I crossed the border into now my favorite state of the United, Maine. As some of you know, the Maine state motto is “The Way Life Should Be.” And I cannot testify enough to that statement. There exists so many reasons why, but the main one is because the people in this state are, for the most part, highly conscious of their environment and one another. The “dump” in Camden allows people to recycle ALL items, all the way down to one’s fireplace ashes! Yes, consciousness rises and commercialism diminishes as one crosses that state line…

BLAST THE LIGHT  8.11.17  © Sue Culig

Before heading to Canada, I spent a lovely 3 weeks seeing much of Maine that I had never seen before. I cruised into the small towns and saw old abandoned homes, beautiful countryside, blueberry fields, expansive and clean lake bodies of water. I traveled all the little finger peninsulas “Down East” as the Mainer’s call it. Winter Harbor and Stonington were two of my favs. [Little did I know that my time in New Brunswick and Nova Scotia would blow my Maine experience out of the water. More on that in a coming blog.] In this particular snippet of writing, I would like to thank my mechanic, Iain Pottle of the Beetle Shop in Belfast, Maine for fixing my KaraVan. He helped her make her transition from Moby 😉 by putting in her new transaxel and fixing many other large and small things that needed to be done on my 32 year old small, fast, house. Unlike other mechanics I have seemingly just thrown money at, Iain seems to be first and foremost invested in diagnosing and properly repairing these precious vehicles. Iain’s father, Allen, started the Beetle Shop in 1979 and Iain and Allen continue to provide the VW community with quality repair and are not financial “rakers.” Iain knows how much bloody money I had spent on Moby/Kara since purchasing her in 2015. He also knew that I crossed over the border from Canada the other morning with $2.73 cash and a maxed credit card, having spent my last $550 that was supposed to be budgeted for my travel on mechanics in Nova Scotia who did NOT rectify an ongoing problem. Iain fixed Kara yesterday and she is running like a true charm, rectifying a starting and stalling problem that had persisted since early this year in South Carolina. I also am now aware of what proper miles per gallon are! I paid Iain in cash for one invoice, significantly less than what he billed it for and he called us “square.” He also sent me on my way with another invoice for $153 and said that if the problem was not fixed, that I was not responsible for that payment. And knowing that I had been gifted by great friends basically just enough money to get back to WNY this coming week, he said that I could PayPal him the money for that invoice, only should it fix the problem AND whenever I regroup my finances. Now THAT my friends, is The Way Life Should Be!!! I get SO disheartened of things in this world being SO focused on money. That green stuff is simply an energy, yes a necessary tool for navigating ones way through life, but I do believe in my lifetime that we are going to see the paradigm shift about money as THE way. While in Nova Scotia, I did experience that the barter system is alive and well. And for those of you who are not familiar with the barter system, it is simply an exchange of energy and/or goods… If you do a service for me or provide me with something I need, I give you back a service or some goods. The first time in my life I became familiar with this system was on my first trip to Croatia in 1988. Mind you, I had seen the generosity of my parents with their neighbors and friends doing this over the years in smaller capacities, but in Croatia, there were folks who had cows exchanging milk for eggs from people who had chickens. That very simply, is the barter system…

Sunrise, Glace Bay, Nova Scotia 9.16.17  © Sue Culig

I’m going to address next what has been a highly sensitive topic of late… “HARD WORK” As some of you are aware from knowing me personally many years, I have often been overtly criticized for the way I live. I have been called irresponsible. I have been called a mooch. I have been called a free loader. I have been called a lazy hippy and most recently, an insult to people who “work hard for a living.” Well, first and foremost, these things no longer bother me because I know how hard I work. Being a “creative” is not an easy way to make one’s way through a very money centered consciousness and I have always tried to remain true to my passion and my heart. My sisters have often been the biggest critics of my life and my parent’s generosity with me, mainly the one that was born directly before me, who became “born again” when I was 15. [[[ She obsessively screamed at me that I was going to hell for everything I did when I was a teenager, and that I was going to hell anyway unless I accepted Jesus Christ as my eternal savior! Mind you, this is someone who used to RAGE. And I am not talking raising her voice, I am talking screaming and having tantrums that often became so violent that all the neighbors could hear. Now that is totally Christian, is it not? UGH! At this stage of the game, I can laugh and shrug it off, but NO ONE can imagine how much damage that did even to a very strong-willed and minded, intelligent, young person. And for those of you reading this who I have engaged in relentless debates with about organized religion, Christianity, Bible, God and Jesus, maybe this gives you an idea why I adamantly oppose these belief of as I call them, “blind faith beliefs.” “Born again” Christians are some of the biggest hypocrites I know walking the planet.]]] Enough of that! Nonetheless… I was born 6 years after my three older sisters who came along one right after the other. Yes, I was the baby, the caboose, the mistake as I used to joke with my mom. AND I was rumored to be my “mother’s favorite” if she had one, which I think she truly did not. I was the only one of us 4 to actually graduate college with a Bachelor’s degree. But of course, because it was JUST art school, it didn’t really count 😉 Anyway, I did have an agreement with my mother that I wanted NOTHING when my parent’s passed, yet if they helped me while they were alive, they could see me reap the rewards of their gifts/loans. My mom knows that as strong minded as I always have been, that I had a very tender heart. It took me about 40 freaking years to grow thicker skin around many issues that once devastated me, which I will discuss in detail in my book. In my newfound sobriety and clarity, raising of my planetary vibration, I see my WORK quite clearly on this planet. My book is in progress, the outline currently being drafted to submit to publishers. And my photographs over 3 plus decades of our amazing planet, focused on bodies of that necessary life element, WATER, are also being submitted to publishers for potential printing. So yes, this “mooch” is actually making a living and hopefully a mark in this lifetime as a photographer and a writer. And yes, maybe I will even have a few extra dollars in the bank for when a friend is in need! In closing this WORK HARD discussion… To those of you who have been continuously supportive of the way I live, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BIG OLE HEART! And to my blood family members and other critics, I sure hope someday soon you will see THE LIGHT. Maybe by reading my book, things will be opened up and revealed. I simply am no longer invested in defending myself to anyone about how I live. As some wise person once said to me, “Sue, it’s none of your business what other people think or say about you!”

So, for today, on this lovely rapidly approaching Fall Maine day, on the amazing and beautiful planet earth, galaxy Milky Way, I bid you all a simply wonderful day!!! I will surely be revealing more of my images from my extraordinary, life-altering, recent journey, and snippets from my upcoming book/biography on here. Today, just for today, one day at a time, I am going to ask you to invite in the intense LIGHT energy into your hearts that is beaming our planet today. Please click here > “Christine Day, Pleidian Embassador of Light” < to have an explanation of what is transpiring planetarily energetically mainly TODAY, 9/23/17. For those of you who are not already aware, we are in the midst of an extraordinary energetic transformation. And to embody more LIGHT, we must be able to see clearly, dive into and THROUGH the darkness. As Jim Carrey said in his recent rebuttal to W Magazine about his “existentialist interview”… “The only way to it is to step into the river of tears and the sorrows of your life. The things that everyone is avoiding with everything from drugs to drink to sex and gadgets and whatever else you can distract yourself with, all of it is designed for you to never stop going and moving and, for god sakes, not feel the abyss. Don’t allow yourself to feel the abandonment and pain that you’ve suffered. And I’ve done it; I’m through it. I’m sure there will be things that happen again, but I realized that by letting myself fall into it completely, that it’s not to be feared. Death is not to be feared.” Namasté good people, NAMASTÉ!

 

Also posted in Depression, Depression, Drug Abuse, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, Maine life, PHOTOGRAPHY, PLEIDIANS, Religion, Spiritual awakenings

THE WAY LIFE SHOULD BE

In the state of Maine – one of my favorite places on this earth, I AM AWAKE and acknowledging each and every day for what a tremendous gift it is to be alive! It’s hard not to appreciate life to the fullest in a state who’s slogan is “THE WAY LIFE SHOULD BE.” Because it truly is from top to bottom and from West to way up Down East. 🙂

Late last Saturday night, 8/19/17, when traveling South on Rt 1 to the Popham Beach area, I got pulled over by the Bath police. It didn’t surprise me because all day long I felt a tad troubled about various things and my mind was elsewhere.

That entire day, I had been in contemplation of my personal relationships and my lack of grace over the years in letting people go out of my life. This has of late been in my face in a big way. I’ve have lost some good people over the years because of my strong personality, my convictions, and yes, my staunch opinions that have often turned into judgments of others, of their political views, their self and planetary awareness, and of course, religious views. More on that later… While the officer just issued me a warning for missing the stop sign, (I realized immediately that I had missed it and pulled right on over when I saw him) it occurred to me as I was struggling with falling asleep that night that I really did need to STOP! In my experience, there is a reason the Universe puts something so excruciatingly large in one’s face. And, for me, even though I missed the actual sign, I definitely saw the bigger picture that night.

 

It wasn’t until early Sunday morning however that more was revealed to me. I awoke at 4:45 groggy after maybe 3 solid hours of sleep at best and went to hopefully catch some shots of the sunrise. It is a morning ritual while on the road and is part of the job of being a photographer. (Yes, it is a JOB, folks who question my “Life of Reilly.” At summer solstice, one must rise at 3:30 a.m. in Maine to see the sky start to lighten before the earth turns to reveal the sun on the horizon.) That morning after a few photographs, I returned to the van because the mosquitos were eating me alive. I put lavender essential oil on my bites and then laid back down with Mona and slept until 8:45. That piece of deep rest was much needed. I woke refreshed and decided not to go far, but to go get a nice parking spot at the Popham Beach State Park for the day. Many locals don’t want to pay the fee, but I felt it was well worth the $8 to have a day where we could pop the top, clean and organize for the long haul coming up to Nova Scotia. And clean I did… on many levels.

With the upcoming eclipse, I also decided that it was necessary to cleanse all my rocks, healing stones, crystals, neck pieces and myself as well. After all cleaning was said and done in the van and with my healing tools, I took myself, a few choice stones and crystals and did the ritualistic dunk in 64 degree Atlantic Ocean salt water. Man, it was REALLY cold, but it woke me up even further and I returned to Mona in the van (she doesn’t like the water) to heat up a cup of coffee dripped from earlier and meditate on what my intentions were in regards to letting of what no longer serves my highest good in this POWERFUL astrological time of the recent eclipse. The meanings behind the “darkening” by the eclipse can be multifaceted, but one philosophy Spiritually is that it is a time when the darkness of our soul is revealed clearly in essence to let it go and move further into the LIGHT. That is a sweetened condensed version of many philosophers and astrologers. Here’s a decent piece on the eclipse significance.

Since becoming clean and sober and discovering all sorts of new parts of myself each day, the part that the Universe has made me über aware of recently is my personal relationships and how I am treated and of course, how I treat others, or The Golden Rule… My mom was adamant about that one. Do unto others as you wish to have done to you. Reap what you sow… Karma… etc… So last night the BIG mirror popped up… And instead of going right to sleep that night and shrugging the events of the day off, I made a few mental notes and ruminated on what I really wanted to change about myself and my life. The following is what surfaced.

#1 Start to be more of an example of what I believe by action, not just words. I have been told that I am generally a good conversationalist, easy to talk to/with. When I travel, I meet all kinds of new people and often have long conversations. I do love to find out about people’s lives… where they hail from, what they do, believe about life, and lastly if we get that far, think about these intense changing times we are currently living in. Talk has always been a very large part of my personality and conversations come easily and naturally. My first commitment however, is to DO more, to BE more, to consciously walk my talk each and every day, to be present in a loving way for both my Mona, my friends I encounter, new encounters AND for myself. One of the fortunes I have saved from a Chinese meal says: “Action is the proper fruit of knowledge.” Seems that anyone can talk a good talk. So, I will move forward challenging myself to walk my schtick as well. What is my SCHTICK exactly? As my soul brother Ricci Barnes says, “Peace and Love, Sue. Peace and Love… So, I am definitely going to make a concerted effort in each and every moment to walk it a whole lot better.

#2 Exit Facebook for a while, if not for good. I have many reasons for this decision, but the main one is that I feel Facebook has not made me a better person, especially since the recent election. There is much I have learned being on it and I am SO grateful to have connected and reconnected with so many wonderful folks. Since joining at it’s early launch stages in 2007, I have used Facebook for most of what everyone else does while more recently engaging in “battles” over sensitive topics such as religion and politics. I have lost friends. I’ve unfriended and been unfriended. I’ve blocked and been blocked. I have raised my own blood pressure significantly. A recent post I made was taken personally by a long term friend and hence ignited a conflict that ended at 45 year friendship. ☹️ The biggest reason however for making this decision is to chip away at my ego self. My desire to live in my heart is overpowering right now and I don’t always stay in my heart on Facebook. So, a break of at least 30 continuous days is necessary I feel. If for nothing else, to break a habit that I feel is overall not very healthy. This may sound like a judgment about this form of social media, yet it is merely an observation. I feel overall we have become a VERY self-absorbed society. Also, our attention spans have been reduced to basically 2-3 seconds and I have heard it likened to the amount of time it takes to read a Facebook post or a quick text. What an absurd concept this is to me. I don’t go anywhere any longer where people are not addicted to their devices. I see far less of it up

here in Maine, yet it is still prevalent especially among younger folks. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty specifics of what peeves me most about social media, but I will say that we have lost the art of going somewhere without our phones or needing to check for texts,  emails or Facebook or whatever every 15 minutes… So, what do I hope to achieve from a break? A deeper connection with myself and others I encounter in the 3D realm. I will update my Sue Culig Photography page on Facebook, every now and then, and will be mainly posting on Instagram because it is BIG part of what I am, a visual artist and I would like to encounter more folks who are like-minded and like visually skilled. So, to those reading this blog who are my friends on Facebook, if you want to stay connected to me, either follow my Sue Culig Photography page on Facebook, follow me on *Instagram or send me an *email please so I have your address.

*info below

#3 Let go of my judgments and soften the expression of my opinions. As I had written in my last brief blog, my life since my first trip to San Francisco at age 14 has involved many journeys, both internal and on multiple forms of transportation on a few different continents. Therefore, I feel that my experiences with many different cultures and peoples, have given me a breath of experience from which I have drawn my opinions, not hypotheses, but ACTUAL IN THE MOMENT EXPERIENCES. Still, who am I to even suggest to another what is the right or wrong way to do something or what to believe? All I can do is share my experiences and let go. I feel like this is the place to make a formal apology to those I have judged or hurt through my words and actions in the past. I am fairly aware of who and how I have hurt and wish to make an end to it!  My ego is going on a long vacation, if only for baby steps day by day. Large changes are not usually made overnight.

If I have managed to hold your attention this long, please know that I do enjoy talking on the phone. I enjoy emails. I enjoy brief texting. I mostly, I enjoy the lost art of letter writing and sending cards. Since I am on the road for possibly months to come, email and texting would be the best way to get a hold of me should you wish to do so. Please know that if you do wish still to know where I am or what is happening, I’ll be blogging here from time to time when I feel moved to do so. My email address is sueculig@gmail.com and my Instagram is @lifeisajourneynotaguidedtour. No, I won’t be joining Twitter. I don’t think what I have to do or say is all that important to need to Tweet or Facebook any longer. I really want more good old face to face human uninterrupted contact. If you wish to be added to my email list, please send me one and I will put you in my address “book.”

I wish you all an incredible journey, new experiences, new enlightenment after the complete darkness in daylight we have just recently experienced. Please think about going inside to see what you can do to make the world a better place through actions of peace and love. Some suggestions that help the collective consciousness are: recycle, reuse, use natural cleaning products on your home, cars, and person, conserve water, conserve electricity, compost, use ALL FORMS OF ALTERNATIVE ENERGY, and most importantly, do something nice for a complete stranger every now and then. It’s a great feeling. Lets work together to make the planet a place where peace and love will prevail for centuries and hopefully millenniums to come. I am committed to doing my part 🙂 Namasté ~ Sue and Mona

Also posted in Faith, GOLDEN RULE, Maine life, politics, Religion, social media addiction, solar eclipse of 8/21, Spiritual awakenings

THE HOSPITAL PLANET

In Camden, Maine – August 12, 2017. This is actually the first opportunity I have taken to really reflect on my life since leaving SC with Mona on July 16th. It’s been a journey with a wild array of emotions and travel – connecting with new and old friend along the way, and having some experiences that have forced me to close the door on a few folks who I once called friends and family. That is always tough… AND I wake up every day grateful for my clarity, my sobriety and the person I see emerging inside after many years of suppression, denial, and living in fear. Each day, I learn to like and love that person inside of me more and more. To me, that is the first essential step in recovery/healing… to really start to value one’s own existence, not with a sense of arrogance, but in a manner of self worth/esteem where one can see one’s own value and how we can be of service to our fellow planetary inhabitants, 2 and 4 legged, as well as our beloved planet.

Over the years, I have often been perceived as cocky, self-righteous, opinionated, judgmental etc… No one really could have known how extremely low my own self-esteem was when accusing me of one or all. Yes, I do have strong opinions AND I know that my opinions are usually formulated by my own personal experiences with the situations within’ which I express myself. My life has not been hypothetical, rather quite the opposite. My extensive journeys over the years have brought me often to places of great challenge and learning. In the end, every single one, matter not how painful or blissful, has brought me to a greater awareness of how this thing we call life, a soul having a human skin experience, does indeed work.

For here and now, I will say that I immensely grateful to be WHO I am today, to be seeing the world through new eyes, yes the old photographically trained ones, but through a new and immense sense of gratitude for simply being alive and breathing each day and to also not be afraid to let go of people and places that do not serve my highest good any longer. Of course, it is painful on some level to let go of both friends of longevity and even my own blood family members, but it is a necessity to not interact with those who can possibly fan the ashes of my torched demons that kept me imprisoned in a dark inner cell for many years of my life.

Truly this journey of awakening (not only for those in “recovery” but for each and every single one of us) is absolutely about living one second/minute/hour/day at a time. The more we can live in the moment, the more we can appreciate the immense gift of being alive as humans on this beautiful planet in this lifetime.

Namasté fellow inhabitants!
#enjoytheride #lifeisajourneynotaguidedtour #TheHospitalPlanet

Also posted in Depression, Drug Abuse

THE INSANITY OF NOW… YOUR SECRETS ARE YOUR SICKNESS

Writing for me is usually spontaneous and inspired by events and/or dreams. It’s as if I wake up one morning and the inspiration is more of a demand. Writing is also very cathartic. For this very reason, I have kept journals most of my adult life. Last time I took to the keyboard to blog was after the Orlando shootings. Granted there have been infinite topics since last year’s entry that should have commanded my derrier to sit in the chair and tap the keys. Maybe I have been speechless? hmmmm… Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows this is highly unlikely because I tend to have a burning necessity to proclaim my truth, to “Speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue!” Ironically, I am sitting here listening to Chris Cornell’s “Higher Truth” as my fingertips are busy busy. Shall I begin with musings of Chris’ life and death first? Or should it be religion? Or should it be politics? Or should it be awareness? It may all just merge together… round and round she goes… addressing topics people would much rather have their head in the sand about.

CHRIS CORNELL… AND OTHER INSPIRATIONS

There is nothing in my playlist that resembles true “grunge.” There is some Eddie Vedder from the movie “Into the Wild.” That soundtrack was mesmerizing. Eddie’s voice is hypnotic. And I won’t go into depth about what that movie meant to me. Some people think I am crazy for seeing it up to 12 times. Others have accused me of wanting to live like Chris McCandless did. Nah, truthfully, I like my creature comforts way too much! I know many lines from that epic film by heart and scenes for sure. Yes, I know when Chris starts paraphrasing Thoreau, when Rainey jabs at Chris about being an “industrious little fucker” and about the obsession, his desperate NEED to experience being in the middle of the WILD. This is where McCandless and I see eye to eye. There is NOTHING like being in the wilderness without humans to soil the serenity and rawness of it all. The scene in particular that invokes DEEP emotion each time I see it is when Chris is asked by Mr Franz (Hal Holbrook) to be his son as he is finally leaving Southern California to embark on the BIG journey North. A little aside here… back in October of 2011, I ran into Hal Holbrook at Trader Joe’s in Richmond, VA. He was not really trying to be inconspicuous, but it was difficult to recognize him as he was in his “Lincoln” character at the time. As fate would have it, I ended up directly behind him in line. As with other celebrities I have met out in public, I have never been afraid to talk with them as if they are one of us, because most of them really are unless their ego is humongous! I started the interaction with Hal by tapping him gently on the shoulder and telling him that he looked a lot like someone famous from the movies and then I winked 😉  He smiled back and reached out his hand to shake mine. I then proceeded to tell him how taken aback I had been by his role in “Into the Wild.” As the genuine and humble being that I have always assumed he was, he said, “I was completely honored to have been involved with such amazing actors and a genius director in Sean Penn.” I agreed with his assessment of Penn as a director, although when I had met Sean in San Francisco many years earlier, he struck me as a bit of a prick. He’s got a reputation to uphold.

Back to Chris, depression and addiction… There were a few songs of Chris’ that I loved and “Higher Truth” was one of my favs. I also am fond of “Seasons” and “Like A Stone.” Other than those three songs, I hadn’t known much about Chris or his life, career and/or tendencies towards severe depression. I DID know he was sober, but I didn’t know he was taking Ativan. After all, most folks who claim to be “sober” do not take dangerous and highly addictive drugs like Benzodiazepines (Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, Vallium, Serax) which were developed initially to be used to assist immediately with crippling anxiety attacks, not to be taken in high doses on a daily basis.  Those drugs can also be an easy “gateway” back to alcohol. Using both in combination can be lethal. And trying to withdraw suddenly from either can also be lethal. You might ask how I know this?

CO-OCCURRING… MENTAL HEALTH AND ADDICTION

After my mom passed away in April of 2015, I fell into a DEEP depression. I wasn’t working at all and could NOT work. (Many did not understand this and judged me and still do. And right here is my middle finger for them!) This particular period of depression AND anxiety was severe and was definitely not the first time in my life I felt this way. One of the only things I was doing was regularly attending 12 step meetings in my hometown, which most times made me want to drive directly to the store to buy a six pack afterwards. Months went by and I finally succumbed to the constant urge to drink. Depression does that. Isolation does that. Hiding your feelings does that. Your sick mind gives you this great idea that you can escape how horrible you are feeling. Sure, that’s true for a few hours, until you wake up the next morning feeling like suicidal hammered dog shit. I can’t remember when I REALLY lost my sobriety again in 2015, (I’d been at it since March of 2010) but I suspect it was around mid September of ’15. I just remember going to California to pick up Moby the VW van and drinking rather socially there and on the drive back to NY as well. I feel like the relapse could be another blog entirely, but what I will just segue here by saying is that severe depression is not just a “bad attitude,” “negative thinking,” or something that one just get’s over by “pulling ones self up by the bootstraps.” Clinical depression and mental illness are VERY serious diseases that are crippling and debilitating at times. My very close friends who have saved me from intentionally overdosing or jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, know this about me and the disease I have struggled with for many years; having remembered my first major depressive episode around 7 years old. Nonetheless, eventually we will find out exactly what happened with Chris Cornell. For now, I can testify from my own personal use AND abuse of Ativan, (sometimes up to 6 mgs per day) that it is NOT a drug to be messed with. Withdrawal is excruciating at times and often people develop suicidal thoughts or hallucinations and/or both. During my attempted withdrawal while having been in the supervision of someone who knew very little about withdrawal from benzos, it was suggested when my drugs ran out that I should “tough it out” and “buck up and get through it” if I truly wanted to get off of them fast and forever. If that person only knew what it felt like in my skin and in my brain, they never would have said that. I knew abrupt withdrawal was definitely not the way to get off of them, but I certainly wasn’t thinking clearly and attempted to appease the person who’s company I was in. After three days, going from 3 mg down to nothing, I “toughed it out” alright… right to the ER after 3 nights of insomnia, hallucinations, hot and cold sweats, trembling uncontrollably and feeling extremely suicidal. I couldn’t sleep, eat, drive, or see straight. I sobbed hysterically for hours and used an entire box of Kleenex. Everything I EVER felt negatively about myself, my life, my intimate relationships, was playing right in front of my face on an enormous screen in high definition technicolor with surround sound and looping to boot. I also was in danger of a stroke, seizure, heart attack or all 3. Immediately upon arrival, the ER doc gave me a 2mg injection, and supervised me until I was stable enough to leave. They sent me away with an emergency Rx to get “the devil drug” back in my system until I could find help to properly detox from it. My next step which needed to be accomplished rapidly, was to find an outpatient program and a substance abuse/mental health counselor as well as an MD who would help me withdraw, regularly urine test me, and NOT up my dosage each time I asked like my old doctor did. Needless to say, she is not my MD any longer. Someone was definitely watching over me, (mom) because everything I needed for treatment fell right into place in a mere matter of days. During the withdrawal process, it is suggested that one tapers down VERY slowly because the side effects are brutal. Each time I lowered my dose, I felt the agitation, the irritation, the physical side effects of profuse sweating and palpitating heart etc. Breathing deeply works for a spell. Exercise works ok too. Magnesium L-Threonate and 5HTP at bedtime in HIGH doses works a bit for the insomnia which ensues. Each time I lowered my dose, usually by .25 mg a script, I went through “little pergatory” for a spell before feeling somewhat “normal” or stabilized. My Ativan was initially prescribed much like I assume Cornell’s was, to assist in the withdrawal from alcohol and the anxiety and depression that went along with it. The problem is that the drug is HIGHLY addictive and I should never have been taking more than .5 mg and ONLY when I experienced intense anxiety. During that horrific attempted “cold turkey” withdrawal, I could have wound up like Cornell, but I had the help of incredible professionals and a great support system that has very little to do with traditional recovery or the 12 steps to help me get back on track. The 12 steps have saved lots of lives, but the question is… Aren’t they a bit outdated? Same meetings, same literature, same format, same people, same stories looping over and over again… Needless to say, I’m happy to be pursuing a new career in the recovery field and am pleased to see how it is evolving from archaic ideas that once convinced folks that they were powerless and had to surrender to “God” to help kick their addictions, to a new form of EMPOWERING people to NOT be powerless over anything. Sorry to all you AA-ers, but it never worked for me and now I understand exactly why. Maybe it never worked for Chris Cornell either. My hope is that we are moving into a new age of holistic recovery where safe/recovery houses (that charge 1400 per month to share a small room) and traditional rehabs (that are similar to jails, attempting to brainwash both mentally and physically sick souls into wellness in 30 days) are going to be a thing of the past. Could it be possible that we are moving into a new age where mental illness AND addiction are no longer going to be stigmatized or considered illegitimate health issues? They are probably two of the most serious diseases that get shelved time and again because they have to do with our brain’s function. As a woman friend said in a meeting I attended last week, “If I was sitting here telling a room full of strangers that I was recovering from breast cancer, I would get all kinds of sympathy and love. But here I am saying that I have mental health issues and addiction problems and I am potentially open to being publicly scorned!” Point here??? Recovery IS recovery whether it’s from cancer OR mental health issues and/OR addiction. Depression and addiction are both epidemics of insane proportions in our society and country and they are still being largely ignored… THIS MUST CHANGE QUICKLY IF WE ARE TO SAVE LIVES!

onto more of “THE INSANITY OF NOW”

I don’t know what was going on astrologically in the last 48 hours, but some really whacko shit happened yesterday for sure. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a TRUTH seeker in ALL aspects of my life. Religion or “faith” is often a touchy subject, but politics is NOT, nor should it ever be something “private” for one’s decision to vote, and candidate of choice, effect every single one of us as well as the entire world! I believe many who voted for the garbage currently in office are embarrassed to admit any longer that they did. Those who are still defending 45 are either in denial, delusional and/or #foxnewswashed. More on that particular insanity later… On the topic of religion (some call it faith) my deviation from Catholicism and/or Christianity began about 40 years ago during my evening studies to prepare to make my confirmation after I left Catholic grade school. I told my mother that if she sent me to Catholic high school that she would never see me again, that I would run away and NEVER come back. Recollecting as far back to my first communion, I can remember thinking… “Why am I eating this round thing pretending that it is part of someone’s body?” My parents and peers knew I was a smart child, but my rebellion began when I was asked to confirm my belief in THE messiah. Nope, not me… Don’t ask me exactly why, but I just knew in my gut and my heart that I would rather be skipping my religious education classes and toking a spliff with Larry R behind St Bernadettes. My mother didn’t speak to me for 4 months when I pulled out of confirmation. It was the beginning of an earnest Spiritual quest that continues to be an educational journey each and every day. (If you really want to know about my Spiritual beliefs and about “experiencing God” you’ll have to wait for my blog about being in “church” with the Native Americans in a sundown to sunrise teepee peyote ceremony in Oregon in the summer of 1999. It changed my life FOREVER! If I ever doubted there was a spiritual world beyond this one, I absolutely no longer do.) Basically, for the sake of ending this blog and sticking to the point I am trying to make, I believe in the ENERGY of the Universe that responds to our thoughts and actions to create our reality. I believe in karma. I’m not big on the word prayer, but I do believe in positive thought and sending LIGHT to others when they are in need. Call it prayer if you want to, but prayer connotes religion and I simply don’t do an organized one of those. My belief is that the sooner we start taxing churches, the sooner we will be able to provide health care for everybody, which I believe in today’s modern society should be a right, not a privilege.

Here’s the thing with “faith” – believe anything you want in regards to religion/faith, but #1, just be a good person, damnit. Obey the golden rule and please don’t ever tell me that what I believe is bullshit and I will return the favor. I’ve learned to keep my staunch opinions a bit to myself on this ONE topic! 😉  Last but not least, PLEASE don’t ever try to convince me that something you believe is what I should be believing! As I mentioned to a dear, very long time friend last night, we might all have different ways to get to the LIGHT. We might call the LIGHT different things. But in the end, the LIGHT is LOVE and IMO, GOD IS LOVE. Therefore, my religion is LOVE. My religion is KINDNESS. My religion is TRUTH. And just for the record, the flow chart of determining religions posted on my Facebook yesterday was meant for a chuckle. My most sincere apologies if anyone was offended by it.

TRYING TO COVER UP THE TRUTH ISN’T WORKING ANY LONGER

Last night I had a very heated and reactionary debate with someone who I love a lot that told me to “get a life” when I started talking about the 1% and the corruption in our Republic. (BTW folks, we are NOT a Democracy, we are a REPUBLIC that is SUPPOSED to be run in a democratic fashion.) At least that is how our forefathers intended it to be. Anyway, when the topic of 911 came up and it being an inside job, I was accused of being “crazy.” So be it… bat shit crazy for the TRUTH is what I am! Those buildings were ALL detonated on 911 and there are over 2000 engineers world wide who have testified to this, especially building #7! [Google it if you have the nerve to maybe have your mind altered and blown! Here’s a quick video for starters… 911 Truth Video Can Not Be Debunked.] Say whatever you want about my sanity, but I base my views on FACTS and what I feel in my GUT to be TRUE. If you choose to, it’s your prerogative to stay in the dark, listen to the mass media and to our government telling lie after lie… IN MY OPINION, it’s totally your loss to live behind the veil. If ignorance is bliss, then so be it for the one who refuses to ask questions where questions SHOULD be asked. I’d rather know the ugly TRUTH and get pissed off than hide my head in the sand! The war after 911 made a lot of the 1% a hell of a lot more wealthy. Crazy? I don’t think so. Human life over $/oil? Nope, remember that Michael Jackson song, “They Don’t Really Care About Us?” Bingo! that is our government. As the dearly departed George Carlin once said, “QUESTION EVERYTHING!”

Ok, nearing an ending on this one. Reflecting on the last two days, maybe my internal unrest and exterior conflict on this was triggered by watching the miniseries “The People v OJ Simpson – An American Crime Story.” If anyone hasn’t seen it yet, it is gripping and truth telling and spine chilling. Anyone who has known me since childhood knows that I was a huge “Juice” fan when he played for Buffalo. In 1975, my brother-in-law took a beautiful portrait of OJ in the locker room with a nappy head after just removing his helmet. He enlarged it and took it back the next home game for OJ to personally autograph it for me. It was matted and framed and gifted to me on my 11th birthday. It read “to Susie, all my best, OJ Simpson #32.” I still have it packed away somewhere, although I really don’t know why because the knowledge that he got away with BRUTAL murder makes me want to vomit to this day. To have watched my childhood idol and his attorneys lie their asses off and pull a race card to get him off, while somehow being able to sleep at night, reminds me much of what is currently going on in our “government” except on a MUCH larger and horribly corrupt scale. The American people will continue to be victims of the murder of our civil liberties until #WETHEPEOPLE get out there and take this government down. I’m not just talking about impeachment, I am talking about a total 2 party abolishment and a government that WORKS FOR THE PEOPLE, not just the 1%.

OK, off my soapbox now… To answer the looming question, I am still sober and intend to live out the remainder of my life as such and hopefully help others come back from the abyss of mental health issues and addiction. They do go hand in hand 95% of the time. Feel free to leave ANY comments or opinions if you wish. Rest assured “The Insanity of 45” is coming soon 🙂  Namasté


Also posted in 1%, 45, DEATH, Depression, Depression, Drug Abuse, Election 2016, Faith, INSANITY OF NOW..., Occupy District of Criminals, Religion, Suicide Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

I SPEAK MY MIND BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO BITE MY TONGUE.

April 21, 2016… The day that will forever be etched in my memory as the day that beloved Prince passed into the big purple light in the sky while I back road tripped through beautiful and wild West Virginia. It was a devastating day for certain for Prince fans, myself being one. His death wasn’t mentioned on the April 21, 2016 CBS This Morning page alongside the headlines of “Any way out?” in reference to Mr Trump being able to still gracefully exit the election process or “90 Years Strong” which referenced Britain’s oldest monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, hitting the landmark birthday. No, Prince had not yet gone to his Purple Light at that hour, at least the Princeslightmedia was not yet alerted of his passing. The news hit around noon on TMZ first and was confirmed by many other sources by 12:30 Minneapolis time. As many others, I immediately switched my iPod to the Prince song collection and listened and repeated. Also, Minneapolis public radio live streamed a great tribute to him that I listened to well into the night. With modern technology, we were all able to spread the word within’ minutes of our “Dearly Beloved’s” death and also to listen to commentary about and music from the Purple Rain man. Posts flooded in on Facebook. My buddy and awesome fellow photographer, Josh Withers, posted a video he shot of a guitar solo he recorded at a Prince show in 2011. Memories flooded in from my college days at Pratt Institute in the 80’s. My roomies and friends from those days will all attest; in 1984 and ’85 “Purple Rain” blasted all throughout our dorm rooms and apartments. Purple Rain was the first Prince album recorded with and officially credited to his backing group The Revolution. Originally released June 24, 1984, 2 tracks, “When Does Cry” and “Let’s Go Crazy” held #1 positions on the Billboard charts for weeks in the US, UK and Australia. My fondest memory of Prince was attending his concert 2 nights in a row in 1985 in NYC, the Purple Rain tour. The first night was so mind blowing that we went and tried to scalp tickets for night #2 and ended up getting 18th row floor seats right before the show started. We paid dearly for them, but they were worth every last purple cent! RIP Purple Rainman ;-(  Much like your colleague David Bowie, your style and music pushed many limits and will live on as innovative, shocking and sexy 😉

As I was driving into the night looking for a safe spot to pull over and sleep, I reflected on what a sad day it was to have lost this great Pop/Rock icon, but I was grateful there was a break in the Election 2016 hoopla/circus that is spinning. Some days I just want to crawl in a hole and pretend that this upcoming election is not real. The drama of it all hasScreen Shot 2016-04-22 at 1.51.35 PM really got some people’s panties all in a knot. For instance, I received a warning a few days ago to be “defriended” by a #feeltheBern fan who believes that Bernie supporters should not be “bashing” other candidates, but still be supporting the Democratic forerunner, Clinton. The meme this person was referring to is posted here. CNN states that “Bernie Sanders’ campaign on Tuesday April 19th, called reports of voting irregularities in New York state “a disgrace” as local officials rushed to condemn the city Board of Elections for stripping more than 125,000 Democratic voters from the rolls.” These are facts. The same scenario existed in the AZ primary. Not sure what is going on with that?… Both AZ and NY, the main states in question, are supposedly “undergoing investigation”, whatever that means. Nonetheless, “bashing” is defined as “verbal abuse, as of a group, a person or a nation.” I simply posted something that people would hopefully see as factual, defined as…something known to exist or to have happened.”

My personal preference… I will not hide that I support Bernie, not so much because I feel he will make a great President, but because he is the lesser of all the evils and I do believe he mostly speaks from his heart. From what he speaks, he also clearly has in mind the betterment of the poverty stricken and lost middle class in the richest country in the world. Nor will I hide that I feel with great certainty that Clinton will say anything to get elected. Here’s a video of Clinton – 13 straight minutes of her “changing her mind” or basically, lying. Let’s face it, all politicians lie and granted a lot of that clip goes back many years. Yes, people can change their minds and speak different words, but what is really in her heart? Nope, no heart there… She’s all business. I personally will NOT vote for her, especially just because she’s a woman and it’s time for a female to be POTUS. (Hell, we had a black man, it’s time for a woman now!)  😉  No, the only way I will vote for Clinton is if it comes down to her and Trump as opponents. If Bernie decides to run on an Independent ticket, we’re really screwed because the would be Democratic vote will split between him and Clinton and then… Trump will have a nice, easy ticket to be the POTUS! The fact alone that Trump is even running makes the U.S. a complete embarrassment to the rest of the world, let alone most of the conscious people I know in this country. The bottom line about Trump is that he is very clearly a bigot AND a racist. This is not an opinion, it is FACT. And, Hillary’s seat at the democratic nomination table was long ago handsomely purchased. Poor Bernie doesn’t have a chance. I say, “Screw Blue no matter who.” My friend Katie Bushnell and I were talking one day last week and we were discussing the fact that anyone who has any iota of consciousness and intuition knows just by looking at a face who is basically good or evil. So, vote with your instincts and facts, folks. November is rapidly approaching, but there is still time to research the facts.

There aScreen Shot 2016-04-22 at 1.51.53 PMre probably many folks who will agree that Election 2016 is quite laughable most times. Our choices are not the best. However, I haven’t “defriended” or blocked anyone on my Facebook for their political views, even a few friends that are staunch Trump supporters. They are nice people. That’s why they are my friends. I just simply question their sanity! In short, there is no reason to dislike or “defriend” anyone because of their political views, but if folks are going to let the emotions of this show get the better of them, it will turn into a much bigger and uglier circus than it already is. Opinions are like, well you know… We all have one. Let’s try to respectfully express ours and respect others’ as well. And yes, I am definitely going to make an earnest effort to refrain from “bashing” anyone, candidates or their supporters. However, I’m probably not going to sit quietly through all this. I’m going to look at facts and stay away from emotions and criticisms. I will try to be polite and respectful and abide by what my good friend Ricci Barnes always says, Peace and Love, Sue, Peace and Love 🙂

Also posted in ARMAGEDDON, ASSWIPE IN CHIEF, CHURCH, DEATH, Death of Prince, Drug Abuse, Election 2016, LIGHT Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , |