Category Archives: RECOVERY

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

Someone recently said to me, trying to reassure my pain I am toiling daily to move through by saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” I say, “Fuck that!” Although my sister was a staunch Christian and all times attempted to live her life by “THE Word” she definitely was given more than she could handle and I too feel like this, the 4th of 6 familial deaths since April of 2015, sure as hell seems like more than I can currently handle. Those who have known me for ages know that I have triumphed through much in the last 3-4 decades of my life, managing to combat the suicidal depression I lived with for all that time, coming through the other side, but this is so very different for reasons I cannot explain. Many have said, “I cannot imagine what you are going through.” And I tend to agree with that statement, no, no you cannot and I would only wish this sort of pain on some that have intentionally wronged me in this lifetime. I’ll not be naming any names at this moment, but a few do come to mind. One reason I am making a concerted effort to stay away from humans right now is that I know for certain the truth in the statement “Hurt people hurt people.” I am not into intentionally causing another innocent human harm right now due to the pain I am experiencing.

In an effort to move through all of this, I have had to rely on the professionals in my life, mainly my EMDR trauma therapist in Buffalo, NY and my counselor from my recovery program in South Carolina back in 2017. I am happy to say that AG and I had such a wonderful connection that we have been able to eliminate that client/patient privilege crap and remain close friends. Thank you AG for being the amazing, brilliant, loving and compassionate human that you are!!! I’m SO grateful for you in my life!

Yesterday morning, I had an EMDR session scheduled with my therapist in Buffalo attempted via some lame video conferencing app. Although I attempted to troubleshoot the issue before we actually connected screens, this is the 2nd time that the microphone simply did not work. We spent 15-20 minutes (most of which I was having a complete fucking meltdown) trying to get the technology to work. I don’t think anyone should ever have to do therapy sessions by video, but it is all many of us have in the time of covid. I need human interaction right now, but there are so few who I actually feel safe with. Since Pam’s body was discovered 2 weeks ago, my friends list has intentionally and significantly shrunk again. That just has to be AOK with me. I have long been into quality of friendships vs quantity anyway. Currently, I am ever so grateful that I have my Mona and my professionals to help during this critical time. Some days it is all I can do to just keep us fed, watered and rested. I have had sleep issues my entire life and this time is no exception to that affliction. Thank goodness and mother nature that fresh air, sunshine and a frigid mountain lake for the WTFU swim are abundant where we currently are situated. From this point going forward, there will be no one allowed in my life who makes lame excuses for not being present for me as I have been for SO many in their times of hardship and need over the years. The 4 word question… HOW CAN I HELP? is all I need to hear from so-called friends during this time. Not that I have an answer for anything exact at this stage of the game, but knowing someone has the good sense of decency, care and compassion to ask, keeps them on my list. You know who you are my beloved die hard amigos. <3 <3

Over the last two weeks, the emotions have been paralyzing most times and have run no gamut other than immeasureable sadness and rage… nothing short of either. While having my meltdown yesterday morning about lousy technology, the housekeeping and management of my current brief hotel stay knocked and asked if everything was ok? Damn, if that ain’t one loaded question currently, I don’t know what is! I assured them that I would be ok and I know eventually I will…. but WHEN is the question? If I had a job/job right now, I know I would be being directed to just go to work. Yes, just go distract yourself, Sue. Just get on with your life as “normal,” right? I am ever so happy I do not have one of those “control of the masses” idiotic things like a “job” right now. My immediate “work” is to stay alive and to stay healthy first and foremost.

These intense emotions that have arisen bring me directly back to Barb’s suicide. Her final attempt of 3 was the one that ultimately took her out of this physical realm. The first was thwarted in October of 2014 by someone who I once considered a best friend since 3rd grade. Yes that someone, (completely against my adamant plea – the only time in my life ever begging on my knees) DEMANDED that crisis services be called. Yes, while I was on my knees, she was screeching in her already consumed daily post-work, 5-6 Michelob Ultras (or Lites cuz you know that alcoholics need to keep their sex appeal) tone – “I am trained for this! This is my job!” I attempted to explain to her begging that THIS was not her job, that THIS WAS MY SISTER not one of her immature, no life experience students she financially counsels and that Barb was taking her own life because she did not want to live in her vaccine damage ridden body any longer – NOT due to mental health issues – two totally different things. Still, that bitch dialed the number, and they on the other of the line forced me to give them Barb’s address. The Crisis Services team raced on over to her home, busted down her door and dragged her to the hoosegow at ECMC hospital in Buffalo. At that time, Barb had been on a series of medications to cease her tremors and keep her mildly sedated, Ativan being one of them. Those medications were not administered to her for almost 60 hours while she waited in the hallway for a bed, and after all those hours of waiting when they FINALLY got her into the psyche ward and situated, she had a massive seizure, fell down and busted up her shoulder into multiple pieces requiring major surgery to repair. Yup, thanks there old pal, just what my poor sister needed… for you to do your ever so important “job.” Here’s wishing your ignorant ass massive suffering in what’s left of your “functioning alcoholic” life. Yup, I can imagine if you are reading this now, you are well into your daily post work beer or wine induced coma, only to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. Groundhog day much? Such a fulfilling life, no? Yes, I have ZERO tolerance for alcohol users and abusers any longer. As Barb always said… “Alcohol, the last legal and MOST dangerous drug. It only makes you fat and stupid.” Amen to that, sister B! Needless to say, two plus years and two attempts later, Barb finally got her wish, Septemeber 28, 2017, the very night I had returned to Buffalo from my virgin sobriety journey with Mona to Nova Scotia. The details of all of this are far more graphically depicted in my upcoming book.

Back to the current ANGER…. Many people have stated (and left my life as well) over the years due to my so-called anger, stating that they are afraid of it – etc etc. I recently have come to realize exactly from where that anger/rage stems. If it wasn’t for that powerful energy of anger, I have no idea at times how I would have survived until now. Pam’s tragic passing has brought forth yet another piece of anger because her death was definitely preventable. I am rip shit angry at the fat ass Dr Capote in Buffalo, NY at the Dent, who kept dispensing the drugs freely. Yup, just keep those big pharma companies in business and your pockets lined, Doc. One day you will get yours as well if I have anything to do/say about it. Two sisters deceased now due to writing scripts for benozs like they were candy. Pam knew all about what Benzodiazepines had done to her brain and had desperately tried to get off of them for the last 4 years. I hope one day as is currently with happening with opioids, that Dr’s are able to be sued for abuse of benzo scripts. I will be first in line with both Barb and Pam’s names on the list.

Let me add a few names to the rip shit list of late… a couple of C U Next Tuesday’s… Sharon Frochen… the “recovering?” meth addict who recently threatened to “bury me.” Nice recovery there, Chica. And less recently, the beloved ever so important ex-employee of Yoko Ono, Ms JAP herself, Ellen Goldin. And last but not least, earlier this year on my journey, a person I truly thought was a kindred Spirit and best friend, Barbara Sklar who lied to me over and over again until she was finally busted. Here’s hoping gals that our paths NEVER cross again in this lifetime. There’s just some people that do not deserve the time of day and you three will now exit my thought process on ending this paragraph. Oh, and if you seek revenge for my calling you out here, feel free to write your own book.

Surely this anger will pass, but in the interim, I am staying out of civilization’s way or else there might be a casualty or two. By the way, if any of you have not seen the new movie on Prime with Olympia Dukakis entitled, “Cloudburst,” Stella is my new Goddess figure and I am going to be channeling her until further notice to get the ever so ignorant riffraff out of my way in this life o’ mine. Yes, this is MY life that I intend to keep on living RX and alcohol free in honor of both of my beloved sisters gone waaaaay too soon. I’ll be back soon in more optimum condition once this rage moves through me and onward. Because ONWARD and FORWARD is the only place to go in a life that has been riddled with as much trauma and sorrow as mine and my beloved mostly deceased family has had to endure. ONWARD.

Also posted in Alcoholism, Barbara A Ruof, DEATH, EMDR, ETERNAL LIFE, GRIEF, IGNORANCE, MENTAL ILLNESS, SPIRITUALITY, Suicide, TRAUMA Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

UNSPEAKABLE GRIEF

This morning I drove to the overlook above Mono Lake in the Eastern Sierras of California to sit for a sunrise with Pam. I find that sunrise is one of the most beautiful and Spiritual times of the day and especially an hour before when the sky starts to lighten – the divine silence before life begins it’s daily rustle and bustle. I never used to rise early, but now I try never to miss a sunrise.

sunrise over Mono Lake

Last night I received a text message from a friend who had just found out about Pam’s passing. She said something to the effect that Pam and I were never really that close, possibly insinuating that her death is less painful, possibly than my mother’s, the first to pass in April of 15 and I thought the most difficult in the string of 4 deaths in 5 years, or Barb’s the most shocking although we all knew it was Barb’s choice and wish not to live longer in what she called her “shit can of a body” she was dealt in this life. Was/is it possibly less difficult than my father’s who I also had what I consider a love/not so love relationship with? No, for some reason, Pam’s death is the worst by far. I’ll try to explain as such because as a lot of you know I have really not been able to speak about it, only to a few who I think can understand the UNSPEAKABLE grief I am experiencing…

About Pam and I… We were born 6 years and 2 days apart, both Pisces in Astrology which would indicate that we might be best friends. It was not destined as such. Arriving 6 years after Barb, Mary and Pam who were all fairly consecutive, I believe I stole the limelight from Pam. I remember her being very sweet to me as a child and pretty much up until my teens where the turning point ensued. More in a minute on that. It is quite true that Pam and I were not very close at all for most of our lives, as a matter of fact there have been times in my life when we have not spoken at all for long stretches of time. Even though we had only spoken a couple of times for necessities only since I left NY for the West on 1/1, I did write her a card (no coincidences) 3 weeks ago that asked for peace, in honor of our beloved parents mostly. And I enclosed a little peace sign sticker that I carry with me and often hand out to strangers when traveling. As much as I didn’t like Pam sometimes, I certainly did love her and made every attempt to help her in her struggles with her mental health over the years.

Pam was a very strong personality, hard-headed and strong willed like my father. However, the “thing” that separated us the most? Jesus. Yes THE good Lord.

Born OK the First Time

When I was in my teens, I think about 14-15, Pam became born again. And like many staunch born agains, they profess to know THE way to heaven and are relentless in their preaching. Nope, those beliefs are NOT for me… not one little bit. In my upcoming book I talk about how I had a terrible bicycle accident when I was 18 and how my neighbors scooped me up and drove me up Parker road to my parent’s home where I was met at the sight of my swollen and bleeding head with tears by my father. My mom and Pam rushed me to the MAC and Pam was in the backseat, while my head above my right eye swollen to the size of a grapefruit, was hearing the words being yelled from the back seat “God’s trying to tell you something…” I told my mother to pull the car over and get her out before I killed her! That was one of many stories that I had – not fond memories of Pam or her Born Again-ism. The gift of having Pam the staunch Christian in my life, as well as a few friends who I know swear by the “Jesus is the way” slogan, I have learned ever so painfully over the last decades that whatever you think, feel or believe about religion or Spirituality is just fine with me, as long as you don’t try to push your beliefs on me. Personally, I subscribe to my beloved and blunt Barb’s slogan for the “Church of the Almighty Girlfriend” — “Don’t be a dick! Just be a good person and do the next right thing!”
 
As many of her friends reading this know, Pam had a heart of gold. She was very generous, a very hard worker and would often go out of her way to help another, friend or stranger. Pam was my father’s favorite. She looked most like him out of us 4 girls. They had a special connection with one another. Pam also had a great sense of humor, much of what we didn’t see a lot the last decade or so of her life. After Pam’s marriage fell apart in 2009, she did as well. She had, like many these days as they were prescribed like candy, a Benzodiazepine addiction. She suffered from severe anxiety and depression. And the benzos did not help. She is my second sister that benzos contributed to death. Barb also had ongoing scripts for them. And as many of you may or may not know, they almost took me as well in 2016 until I decided to completely clean up my act. It was incredibly difficult, but I came through it all. Today, I am proud to say that I am drug and alcohol free. I do think that God, whoever he or she is, would not have given me all this tragedy if I was still using because I would have been casualty 5. Now alcohol and pharmaceutical free for a fairly long stretch, I just love being back in California where I can enjoy a bit of the NATURAL recreational and creative medicine from time to time in the good ole form of cannabis.

In a conversation yesterday with one of my Goddess sisters she asked how I was doing and I said that I knew that Pam’s death had shattered me into a million pieces and that I could never quite see myself putting them back together. Some of those pieces I will need of course to be able to function in “society” which many of you know I have a great disdain for anyway. I don’t know what anything looks like on the other side of this. I just know that I need time and space in my ultimate momma. And I have found a great place in the Eastern Sierras where I can do just that, take all the time I need to heal before moving FORWARD.

Pamela June Culig

Pam’s cause of death is yet to be determined. We suspect it was heart related. Although everyone in Pam’s life of late knew that she was suffering from Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome, her death was definitely not suicide because her beliefs dictated that suicide takes one straight to hell. I hope she found out differently when that swarm of angels came down and swept her up the minute she passed and shielded her eyes so she would not have to see the horror of when her body was found days later. ;-( Yes Pam, Barb is in heaven too! Please know that we are all at peace knowing that you are finally at peace with the/your Lord. You begged and pleaded for him to take you in your times of great suffering and I do believe he finally felt it was your time. Rest with the angels Pam. REST WITH THE ANGELS NOW. You will be missed by many. GOD BLESS YOU! Namasté

Also posted in Depression, Drug Abuse, ETERNAL LIFE, Faith, GRIEF, MENTAL ILLNESS, SPIRITUALITY, TRAUMA Tagged , , , , , , , , , |

PULL YOURSELF UP BY THE BOOTSTRAPS

Since 1998, the suicide rate has increased 25% in this country. Mental illness continues to plague our society and it continues to be gravely misunderstood and judged harshly. This week we lost 2 very successful folks who were in the spotlight, yet how many left us that will not make the headlines???

When my sister took her own life last September, I received a few texts from friends who commented on her mental health issues, insinuating that those were the precursor to her tragic act. My first reaction was to defend her, saying it was NOT mental illness that caused her to take her own life. And I have to ask myself, why did I feel the need to defend her mental health so staunchly? My answer is because for the most part in today’s society, depression and anxiety are shunned, thought of as “bad” or something that we possibly have control over. Resources and funding to help the mentally ill are consistently being cut as the disease spreads like a wildfire through America. And the less resources the mentally ill have, the more end up homeless on the street. When I first arrived in San Francisco in 1992, I was astounded how many folks were wandering the streets. By the time I finally left SF in 2010, there were literal camps of homeless below the freeway on 13th street. My heart simply could not take seeing them all on a daily basis. How in the name of all that is GOoD can we call ourselves the greatest nation in the world when these serious problems plague our society?

For many years, I personally suffered from SEVERE depression and anxiety. My depression was SO crippling at times that my good friends who had compassion and an inclination of what I was enduring would come and stay with me, just so I could find an iota of comfort and/or not harm myself. I can’t pinpoint exactly how, why or when my depressive episodes and anxiety lessened. All I can say is that I AM SO ETERNALLY GRATEFUL THEY DID because those snippets of hell, those dives into the abyss of unimaginable sadness made me understand exactly why people like Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade hung themselves.

My mother suffered from depression. My grandmother was heavily medicated for 45 years of her life for mental health issues. My great grandfather had my great grandmother committed for her mental health and then he took his own life. So, was(is) my tendency towards depression and anxiety genetic OR as my sister Barb had mentioned often, learned bad thinking? Quite honestly, I’m not sure if there is a definitive answer to the cause of my own disease. I have come to attribute my own depression towards being born ultra-sensitive in a society that doesn’t nurture sensitivity. A great book I read to help understand this was “Self Care for the Self Aware” by Dave Markowitz. I also kept deep, dark secrets for many years. And I also used drugs and alcohol to avert my feelings. Since I ceased using drugs (all street and pharms) and alcohol 18 months ago, my depressive episodes have decreased significantly. AND I attribute my “recovery” to having great counseling as well as digging into those places and secrets held inside that haunted me for years. Most importantly, I became willing to open up and not hide anything any longer, and that included my anger and sadness which I believe turned inward was a huge cause of my blues. I decided that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me or how I chose to live my life any longer. I decided that I was going to unconditionally love myself…. AND get a dog!!! So, my “fixes” may not be permanent, nor may they be yours. The most important thing I can suggest for those suffering is to not be afraid to find some help, to find a compassionate ear and last but not least, DO NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO TELL YOU TO “PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS”! As a society, we owe this disease a lot more attention. And…. we owe those who suffer chronically from it A LOT MORE COMPASSION.

 

Also posted in Alcoholism, DEATH, Depression, Depression, Drug Abuse, IGNORANCE, MENTAL ILLNESS, SPIRITUALITY, TRAUMA Tagged , , , , , , , |

WE WILL SOON REALIZE WE CANNOT EAT MONEY ~ Cree Proverb

Sits on my dashboard right in front of the passenger seat should it ever be occupied.

Today’s musing is inspired by my 91 year old father, Tony AND Agnes, a sweet 88 year old woman I met at 7 am in Tim Horton’s yesterday morning. She walked by me as I was setting up shop with my computer and started talking with me, saying that she didn’t envy our generation’s use of these things, meaning smart phones and computers. I chatted with her for a few minutes and then asked her to join me. She did briefly, explaining that she had to do her crossword for the day. I suggested she go to her “brain exercises” and then come and join me for a fresh cup of coffee.” She returned about 40 minutes later with a completed puzzle. It was so sweet to see, because my mom after having had her stroke in 2011, taught herself after losing her right side functions in part, how to write with her left hand so that she could do her puzzles, knit, and Jingo. May all the BLESSINGS BE to these elderly folks who have kept their brains sharp doing these little exercises. My mom transitioned with ALL her cookies at 87 and my Dad still has all his at 91. Guess I’ve got some mental astuteness genes to grow old into if I keep my brain at the “gym.” 😉

A topic Agnes and I stumbled upon quite early in our conversation was about the dire state of affairs in our country that is evident to all who have their eyes open. (Yes, there are still MANY wearing the blinders, some so thick and heavy that even if they wanted to take them off, they couldn’t!) She expounded upon all the things she has seen since 1929. She was a very young girl during the great depression and an orphan to boot. She witnessed how without community help, people perished. From infancy to age six she was in an orphanage and those years were hell to her. She stated in essence how people had an entirely different mentality towards money back then and the barter system was in full swing during the depression and for some time afterwards. In a nutshell, Agnes really traced all the problems we currently are experiencing in this great nation of ours back to GREED. AND I COULD NOT AGREE MORE.

This particular blog is very relevant for me. Good friends of mine know that when I travel in KaraVan, I budget accordingly and have never had issues as I always have a credit card for backup. On this latest trip to Maine and Nova Scotia, I ended up crossing the border from Canada with $2.37 back on September 20th after nearly a month in Canada and after eating rice and beans for 10 days straight! (I didn’t really care because what I was doing was far more important than what I was eating!) After crossing over at Calais, Maine 6 am, I had to pull over and wait until 9 am for my friend “Kitty’s” Paypal gift to arrive in my account so that I could fill up my gas tank to get to my destination in Belfast where my “good mechanic” was. I was toatlly exhausted. The main reason I was SO exhausted was because I got ROBBED BLINDLY by a mechanic in Nova Scotia and had spent the last 7 days struggling with a van that would stall at all times, often while traveling 60  mph on the highway or just when idling and she would cease to be restarted until 20-30 minutes later after for it to cool down.  (Please if you are reading this, DO NOT EVER GO TO “JEFF’S OLD VOLKS HOME” in East Chester, Nova Scotia.)  Yes, JOVH… It sure is a clever and amusing name and one might expect an older guy with a beard and dirty coveralls to appear with a screwdriver in hand and ask with what he might be able to help. Instead, I walked into a brand new building with meticulously uniformed employees that began their work day at 8 am ON THE DOT. The work orders were all neatly lined up on the desk and in the pit of my stomach I had a bad feeling… And ever since that day, I WILL NEVER, EVER NOT LISTEN TO MY GUT AGAIN. And Jeff? When recently called out on the FACT that he charged me almost $700 and didn’t fix the problem, after two trips and charging me an extra 1.5 hours for labor that I recorded while waiting right there at his shop, he proceeded to recite some legal jargon to me about his policies when I debated with him about the fee. ARROGANT PRICK is what I call men like him… Money hungry to boot to pay for everything brand spanking new at his OLD Volks Home. It’s quite ironic, no? By the way, the BEST mechanic, Iain Pottle at the Beetle Shop in Belfast, Maine had my van for two days after the Jeff’s Old Volks Home fiasco and only billed me $125.00 at an attempted fix. Now, that to me is good and FAIR business. He treated me like a human being who had experienced a lot of trouble with a single problem and was committed to finding out what that problem was, not just treating me like another number who he could bill out to @ $100/hr especially because they were “on the road” and would probably never see you again… Bravo, Iain for actually diagnosing and then fixing and standing behind what you do, how you do and why you do!

The fabulous Iain Pottle and Stacie in Belfast Maine.

I keep wondering when people are going to realize that the love of money (AKA GREED) is going to be the death of us as humanity, especially in the Capitalistic West? We are watching our corporate owned government rape and lie to us daily. We continue to take all the fossil fuels from our mother while having knowledge of alternative energy sources that would TOTALLY supply us with what we need, plus some… My biggest question is… What are people going to do when the paper stuff is no longer worth anything? Recently, when I needed $360 to be lent to me to pay the crook in Nova Scotia, amongst five I asked for help, two of my friends stepped forward with their credit cards – my accountant who did my #’s for many years in San Francisco, and my soul sister, Silvia in Austria who I have known and LOVED since 1994 when we ventured to Croatia to work with the Bosnian refugee children in the camps. Both of these folks and I share the same heart space and we all know that MONEY IS JUST AN ENERGY. When one hangs onto it, one does not welcome more of it, rather constricts the flow. I did lose a 24 year friendship over someone’s inability to extend a very temporary loan to me for that repair. And I simply have to chalk it up who I NEED in my life as we continue to head into what are apparently very dire times in our country due to intense natural disasters and our government not doing a thing to actually serve it’s people as it was intended to by our forefathers. GREED HAS DESTROYED CONGRESS. GREED IS SITTING IN THE OVAL OFFICE. GREED IS SUGGESTING a $700 BILLION increase in defense while leaving single payer heath care on the back burner.  BIG $$ IS OIL. BIG $$ IS PHARMACEUTICALS. BIG $$ IS INSURANCE. BIG $$ HAS CORRUPTED OUR GOVERNMENT BEYOND RECOGNITION…

In concluding this particular missive, the Universe seems to be accomplishing a natural weeding out process for me, a natural selection of sorts, leaving those of like-mind and heart AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, those who are concerned first and foremost with their fellow human’s and our mother’s well-being. Nope, we certainly will NOT be able to eat currency. So, my question is… what are YOU going to do? Are you going to hold onto a piece of coal, wait and hope that is turns into a diamond? Or are you going to step forward and see your fellow humans in need and extend a form of energy to them that will not always be available or any other form for that matter if it is terribly excruciating to part with the green stuff? After all these years, I simply am left wondering in disbelief how people cling so desperately to money? How much does one actually need? And if you are saving for a rainy day? Remember, some place on this earth it is raining. ALSO PLEASE REMEMBER, IT IS IN GIVING THAT WE RECEIVE… OPEN YOUR HEART AND GIVE SOMETHING TO SOMEONE TODAY, MAYBE EVEN A COMPLETE STRANGER, PLEASE?

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I CERTAINLY WANT 
GOOD 
KARMA IN THESE CHALLENGING TIMES 🙂

Namasté

Also posted in ARMAGEDDON, CORPORATE GREED, GOLDEN RULE, GOVERNMENT, GREED, IGNORANCE, LIES, Native Americans, politics, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend, TRUMP, VW VANAGON REPAIR Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!

Come on out Sisters, wave your flags and speak your truth!

“The revelations about Harvey Weinstein have stuck a deep cord within me. Not because this kind of thing is anything new, but because, for the very first time in my lifetime, our society is not protecting a powerful and rich sexual predator– and neither is his wife. Or the media. Why? Because women have finally become strong enough and empowered enough collectively to risk telling the truth. And instead of backing down, we are rising in support. The tide is really turning. Back in the 1980’s when I was starting out in practice, I saw the toll that silence about abuse takes on women’s bodies. I noticed that many women with conditions such as chronic pelvic pain had been sexually abused. My colleagues denied this and told me my patients were “crazy” and that they only saw “normal” women. I persisted in telling the truth. And it cost me. But over time, my observations have become mainstream and we have the data to prove it. Long ago, Sonia Johnson who wrote From Housewife to Heretic, wrote, ” Women are rising like yeast all over the planet.” And indeed– that yeast has just taken a quantum leap. Predators beware. Your days are numbered. I know we have a long way to go still. But– women have been oppressed for about 5000 years. And we only got the right to vote in the US in 1919. ( which passed by only one vote and was not an easy battle.)

The change is speeding up– the light is getting lighter. Quickly. And that is why the Dark is fighting so hard to maintain control. Trust the light. You with me?” Dr Christiane Northrop

Namasté

IT”S SIMPLY TIME TO WAKE UP GALS!
The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend is currently taking new members.

Artwork by Phyllis DeJohn, best friend of Barbara A Ruof

Also posted in 45, ASSWIPE IN CHIEF, Depression, Dignity, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, Spiritual awakenings, SPIRITUALITY, The Church of the Almighty Girlfriend, Vaccine Damage Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

DIARY OF AN ANGRY WHITE WOMAN WHO TAKES NICE PICTURES :-)

Final sunset unaltered, Lake Megunticook – Camden, Maine – 9/22/17

I’m finding it quite interesting how folks have been offering up their opinions about my anger and how it is directed, especially those who have not taken the time to read my blogs and have only seen my “pukes” on SaveFacebook. Really now, heaven forbid one should be angry and actually write about it or express it? [ Shhhh. Don’t let them see that. What will the neighbors think? ] Part of my work on this planet in this lifetime is to bring awareness to the beauty of the planet through my imagery. In essence, it is about saying, “Take a look at this. If we don’t wake up as a collective consciousness, this ain’t gonna be here much sooner than later.” So, my writing in many ways, and not anything but pulling straight up punches, is about the things I feel people are still not seeing, about pointing out moral and ethical wrong doings, about calling out “blowhards” like these straight, white, male, rednecks I went to High School with when I get called a “rug muncher” or an “angry lesbian” or a “man hater” or a “sensitive pussy.” Sorry, I am just not evolved enough to sit back and send compassion to such ignorance who still in 2017 judges anyone by their sexuality or the color of their skin, heaven forbid. Nope, not there yet. May never be.Its clear to me that often one gets more reward in life with sugar than vinegar. This is not a time for sugar coating anything, my friends… (that is those who truly still qualify.) Just a little aside here…There is a fabulous photographer named Dewitt Jones and his tag line is “Celebrate What’s Right with the World.” I strive to photograph like Dewitt and put that message out there with my imagery. My writing obviously addresses other “issues” I feel need to be focused on to be able to KEEP CELEBRATING WHAT’S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD FOR GENERATIONS TO COME!”

 

I’m not going to apologize for being brash or a hard ass any longer. However, if someone steps forward that feels I have personally offended them, I will certainly listen. Maybe some feel like I just let loose, but if I have actually offended anyone personally, I will certainly take it to heart and most likely 99% offer you a most sincere apology and look to see how I can better phrase what I write or say. Mostly, I just write my free flowing thoughts and feelings to humanity at large. And if you haven’t figured it out by now, one of my biggest issues with humanity at large in this day and age, is THE INABILITY TO BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT. The second is IGNORANCE. Ex. Mona and I were driving to a Dr’s appointment the other morning and on the I-90 where the 400 splits off to East Aurora, a woman cut across 3 lanes of traffic and then slammed on her brakes to make the exit when she was in front of my slow house that doesn’t stop on a dime. Needless to say, I had to SLAM on the brakes and everything, including poor little Mona and myself, went flying. THAT is the perfect example of not being present. Whatever she was doing that caused her to do such a thing at the last moment, caused not only myself and my sweet animal shock, but a few other drivers as well.

We are a nation GUILTY of NOT BEING PRESENT and QUITE SICK WITH SELF-ABSORPTION IF YOU ASK ME! (Heaven forbid you should ask me!) We spend the majority of our time ruminating on the mistakes of the past, the coulda, shoulda, woulda or worrying about the future. If we truly could live and breathe in the moment, instead of needing to check our phone every 5 minutes, we would be a happier and centered collective body of human energy. And yes, that is what we are, a COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS. So, how about we think more about switching the I, I, I verbiage to the WE, WE, WE??? In closing this topic about expression of anger, if one more person mentions my anger issues to me without reading my blog, well, I can’t promise what might come their way! At least they have the decency to preface it with “I didn’t read your blog, but…” Whatever… it’s one of the main reasons that I have exited from SaveFacebook because of the I, I, I look at me shit. And also because people simply do not take the time to read any longer. So, I say…. DEATH TO THE 2 SECOND ATTENTION SPAN!

On the “collective.” A fellow Spiritualist and healing facilitator and I were speaking last night and she said something to me, quite adamantly I will add, about putting out energy to something and making it bigger. And at one point she said something about being drained by what I put energy into. Some say that being angry is not Spiritual. Some say that putting attention onto the current extreme dysfunction in our country is not doing any good because it just gets me more pissed off and it will be what it will be and shift on it’s own… FALSE, FALSE, AND FALSE! Once I do something/anything such as taking MY precious time to write a blog or speak with someone about what (I FEEL) needs to happen to make positive and effective change, I feel a whole lot better AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO THE COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS OF ATTEMPTING TO HEAL HUMANITY AND OUR PLANET.

In closing this morning’s missive…NO ONE CAN KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LIVE IN MY SKIN RIGHT NOWABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!! No one knows the gamut of emotions I am currently experiencing. I think a few have a pretty good idea about how much I am enraged by what is currently happening to our county induced by a government that has NOT worked FOR the people in a VERY LONG TIME. Anyone who has tragically lost a sibling might be able to relate a bit. But please, before you go giving me advice on how to move through what I am currently moving through or what to do to cease my anger, walk a mile in my moccasins. I don’t really wish the current gamut of emotional waves washing over me on anyone right now. (Except for the pure bliss and connection to the DIVINE I feel when I channel my sister in her late 20’s and blast the Rolling Stones.) I realize that it is my job to keep letting those feelings flow, especially the extreme sadness, to let the tears flow and to direct my anger at what I am generally angry at >> The INABILITY TO BE PRESENT and IGNORANCE << to release them in a safe environment and ultimately to keep working to find compassion for what I FEEL IS IGNORANCE – as well as to work to help people find out what it actually means and feels like to be PRESENT IN THE MOMENTUnlike my dear B who felt her work was done on this planet, mine has only just begun. Wasn’t that a Carpenter’s song???

Namasté

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THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE – today’s brief thoughts on trauma, suppression and moving THROUGH grief

Like many others of my generation, I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about anything. Shhhhh. what might the neighbors think? There were horrible arguments in my home growing up as the child of an alcoholic. And without fail, a day or two later, after the “Sounds of Silence,” people would break it and act as if nothing ever happened and simply go on with their lives. On occasion, there would be days, weeks or even months that went by and not a word was spoken. What happens to all that energy not expelled, all that tucked into the cells of our beings – festering in the “Sounds of Silence?”

I truly hope at some point that the numerous people who have criticized me over the years for this or that or whatever the fuck they thought MY problem was, will read these blogs or my upcoming book and possibly understand on a deeper level what it is actually like to grow up in a household with constant trauma as a über sensitive soul. When a child is so young and vulnerable, they have no way of defending their self from the ENERGY of ANGER, of RAGE of constant discord in an environment that molds them. A child should be in a happy and nurturing environment always. (Example, children are sensitive to energy just like animals are. They are pure souls without defense mechanisms. That is what makes them so beautiful, their innocence. Over the course of the last days since I found out about my sister’s death, I have had to shelter my sweet Mona from my immense emotional expulsions of grief. When I first found out about Barb’s death, the sounds that were exiting my body were none I have ever made before. And because I have done SO MUCH WORK to be at my level of self-awareness, I know that to suppress is to get sick. SO I FUCKING LET IT OUT!!! Depression on many levels, is simply anger and/or sadness turned inward. And I am NEVER going back there. NEVER. So if I need to emote, I am going to do so in a safe environment so that the ENERGY coming from me is not absorbed by anyone around me, 2 or 4 legged.)

The intention of writing and publishing a book about my journeys in life is not about EGO gratification. Rather it’s about real life experiences that people who suffer/struggle from any kind of trauma, mental health issue or addiction can hopefully relate to. It’s for people who are in recovery, and no, I am not just talking about drugs and alcohol. It’s intended for people who have been victims of abuse, of domestic violence, people who struggle with abuse of ANY kind, people who have been victims of homophobia, people who have suffered or currently suffer from mental illness, depression, anxiety, or more other serious diagnosis. I’m simply writing so that I can help others through REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES, not hypothetical ones. So many self help books have been written on recovery that come from a clinical standpoint, people who have studied all of the aforementioned soul sicknesses. And although more are rapidly emerging, in comparison, there have been few that are written from actual life experiences. I do believe this is the new form of “therapy.” Instead of going to have “treatment” with someone that has a bunch of letters behind their name, the recovery coaches of the new age are going to simply hang a shingle out that says. “My name is so and so and I have been through the HELL and back.” And they won’t charge $175 per hour, yet if one doesn’t have that idiotic green stuff we all value so much in this life, the door will still be open – sliding scale and FREE if people do not have money and need help. This is my way I can give back to humanity. Because after all, that is WHY we are here, to be of service to our fellow humans and our planet. End of story.

So, in closing this brief musing today, I hope that by reading my real life accounts of being IN it and moving THROUGH it, people can find a life of freedom, liberation, and experience the true nature of their soul, a happiness and bliss that is not BECAUSE of anyone or anything outside of ourselves. IT IS JUST BECAUSE IT IS OUR GODDAMN BIRTH RIGHT! Namasté

Also posted in ARMAGEDDON, Barbara A Ruof, Emotions, HELL, IGNORANCE, Suicide, TRAUMA Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , |

THE TOWN THAT FRIENDSHIP BUILT AND GOSSIP DESTROYED

THIS BLOG IS PUBLISHED IN HONOR OF A WOMAN WHO WAS NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK HER TRUTH EVER… RIP B… 7.20.54 – 9.28.17

And I welcome myself back to what I currently dub as borderline civil war hell, aka the Divided States of America. Some who have known me many years know that because of my extensive travels on the North American continent, Europe and the Middle East, I have often returned to the US, which is where my passport was issued, thinking how utterly dysfunctional we are as a nation. I make that statement not discounting the great things about this nation I cherish, such as my freedom of speech first and foremost, and my birth as a woman in a relatively “free country” that allows me to travel the world. Yes, there are definitely a few things, alongside the immense beauty of this land, that I value as being a US Citizen. Some call my opinions based on experience and facts about the current state of affairs in the US unpatriotic . Some deem my opinions based on experience and facts a display of my arrogance. Some simply call my opinions based on experience and facts being an “asshole!” Needless to say, after 32 years of excursions outside of this country, I have earned the right to say that the USA is DEFINITELY NOT THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. And I question if it ever indeed was… 

the road to the border crossing in Calais, Maine

After leaving the bubble of peaceful Canada a full week ago on 9/20 and Maine just this past Saturday, 9/23, I knew that my arrival in Hamburg, NY was imminent. Today, I shall travel to “the Town that Friendship Built and Gossip Destroyed.” I don’t bunk down there any longer when in Western NY thanks to a great friend with an uber serene place out in the country who stores my few remaining possessions of value and gives Mona and I refuge and use of her house when needed. The further away from Hamburg the better for me!!! The town is an ever more sprawling suburb south of the city of Buffalo by say 20-90 minutes, depending on the weather. Hamburg is also right smack dab in the middle of the “snow belt.” So when you read in the paper or see on TV that Buffalo got 6 feet of snow, it most likely is in Hamburg. My parents moved us there when I was 2, when Parker Road was still a country road. We had a big back yard an iconic red barn across the street with horses. Traffic was minimal and it was an ideal place to grow up playing outside. When the farmer across the street died, a greedy neighbor down the street bought the property and land and then sold it to a developer who built these audacious “patio homes.” When they tore down the barn across the street to build, I cried. Yes, my 91 year old father still lives in his home on Parker Road. Admittedly, I have mostly had a hate relationship with that area/town. Why? First, because I endured so much intense family dysfunction in my parent’s home growing up with a raging alcoholic. Second, when I was 7 years old, I developed VITILIGO, an autoimmune disorder where the melanocyte cells attack one another and one’s pigment disappears. (In my book, I shall detail what the Spiritual/Metaphysical explanation is to Vitiligo. It basically is a “complete inability to feel like one belongs” according to Louise Hay.

with a equine friend/family in Meat Cove, Nova Scotia.  When wee ones ask about my skin disorder, I tell them I am half human, half horse 🙂

One can only imagine the scars this left on me well into my mid 40’s. Here I will extend big gratitude to some of my childhood friends from St Bernadette’s catholic grade school like Paula Jordan, Amy Marshall, Joanie Pawlowski, Cathy Carlone, Mark Weimer, Larry Rosiek, Joe Ruesch… who were all very sweet about my unsightly disorder as a child. They affectionately dubbed me “Cougar” and Paula told me yesterday that her very sweet, nearing 90 year old mom, Mary Beth, still calls me Cougar to this day!  [[ I’m not sure exactly why cougar because leopards had spots, not cougars. Amy Marshall called me Cougar Poopathorn.]] Anyway, thanks to the few who were kind and screw the rest who stared and said “ewww!” I specifically remember one time at the village swimming pool when a kid a bit older than me walked by me, pointed and stared and said to her mother “Ewwww, what is wrong with her skin?” (I’ve always had olive Croatian skin and tan fast and dark leaving my “spots” blaring.) She looked as if by glaring at it, she would catch it. It’s just a small example of the pain due to human’s ignorance I endured in this white bread mentality town over the years. For some reason, as a friend and I recently discussed, there is an air of superiority that exists in this weird fucking town. For some reason, some of the “high society” people in Hamburg had this strange idea that they were better than everyone else. Mostly, it was the parent’s of my friends who had a membership to the local country club. And if your father was a dentist or a doctor, it gave your mother a reason to walk around like “her shit didn’t stink” as my beloved down-to-earth mother used to say.

So, this upcoming time in Western New York will be short lived. I’m not interested in staying in an area any longer that has such bad memories and a faction of GOP ignorance in the population that refuses to see the current destruction this administration is wreaking country and worldwide. Quite honestly, as I have agreed on numerous forums of late, we all are entitled to our opinions. However, when your opinions are based on #fakenews, and current government and media propaganda to promote what the Orange Anus is attempting to execute, should you initiate a discussion, I WILL FEVERISHLY DEBATE YOU WITH FACTS until the day is long. So beware my WNY friends, if we do not share the same thoughts about the current POTUS and how he and his media (Fox and Breitbart) are persistently attempting to destroy and divide America, you just might want to avoid me. Yes, J.P., an uneducated and military arrogant ass I went to High School with (I strongly disliked him there because he thought he was God’s gift and only liked to affiliate with the prettiest girls, although he never could get one) I want to thank you for showing your true self yesterday by rebutting to my request for reason on a friend’s post, by calling me fat, ugly, telling me I looked like Bruce Jenner, (little did he know that Bruce does not exist any longer) attacking my supposed sexuality (which is rumored only and food for that wonderful gossip that destroys relationships) and showing your true ignorance. You made me feel like I was right back in grade school again and getting mocked for my skin disorder and teased relentlessly for being overweight. Except, as a 53 year old, well travelled, well educated, tough bitch who has been through far more shit than was in your fatigue pants when you served, I realize how unbelievably shallow some folks still are. I thank the Great Spirits that BE, that I have grown up to understand that you are most likely and quite sadly suffering enough from your own insecurities to attack someone else as such. I’ll be back! Namasté

 

Also posted in 45, Barbara A Ruof, Drug Abuse, Election 2016, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, GOP 2017, INSANITY OF NOW..., NY, PLEIDIANS, politics, Spiritual awakenings

A FURTHER AWAKENING – September 23, 2017 – EMBODY THE LIGHT

A very good 9/23/17 morning to you all from the town of Camden, Maine! This beautiful mid-coast community was my home on and off from 1988-1991. It holds a very special place in my heart as well as I am discovering, an energetic power grid on our continent. I have long wondered why I feel so at peace here, why I connect so deeply to nature, the people, the Maine culture, and most importantly, my higher self. Recollecting back to my 3rd month into this stretch of my sobriety earlier this year, around my birthday in March, I made a commitment to spend my summer in Maine and Nova Scotia, not knowing exactly how that would happen. My thoughts and words were sent out to the Universe with conviction and well, WE made it happen! Yes WE! I had the help of many others I shall mention along the way in my book. On August 3rd, I crossed the border into now my favorite state of the United, Maine. As some of you know, the Maine state motto is “The Way Life Should Be.” And I cannot testify enough to that statement. There exists so many reasons why, but the main one is because the people in this state are, for the most part, highly conscious of their environment and one another. The “dump” in Camden allows people to recycle ALL items, all the way down to one’s fireplace ashes! Yes, consciousness rises and commercialism diminishes as one crosses that state line…

BLAST THE LIGHT  8.11.17  © Sue Culig

Before heading to Canada, I spent a lovely 3 weeks seeing much of Maine that I had never seen before. I cruised into the small towns and saw old abandoned homes, beautiful countryside, blueberry fields, expansive and clean lake bodies of water. I traveled all the little finger peninsulas “Down East” as the Mainer’s call it. Winter Harbor and Stonington were two of my favs. [Little did I know that my time in New Brunswick and Nova Scotia would blow my Maine experience out of the water. More on that in a coming blog.] In this particular snippet of writing, I would like to thank my mechanic, Iain Pottle of the Beetle Shop in Belfast, Maine for fixing my KaraVan. He helped her make her transition from Moby 😉 by putting in her new transaxel and fixing many other large and small things that needed to be done on my 32 year old small, fast, house. Unlike other mechanics I have seemingly just thrown money at, Iain seems to be first and foremost invested in diagnosing and properly repairing these precious vehicles. Iain’s father, Allen, started the Beetle Shop in 1979 and Iain and Allen continue to provide the VW community with quality repair and are not financial “rakers.” Iain knows how much bloody money I had spent on Moby/Kara since purchasing her in 2015. He also knew that I crossed over the border from Canada the other morning with $2.73 cash and a maxed credit card, having spent my last $550 that was supposed to be budgeted for my travel on mechanics in Nova Scotia who did NOT rectify an ongoing problem. Iain fixed Kara yesterday and she is running like a true charm, rectifying a starting and stalling problem that had persisted since early this year in South Carolina. I also am now aware of what proper miles per gallon are! I paid Iain in cash for one invoice, significantly less than what he billed it for and he called us “square.” He also sent me on my way with another invoice for $153 and said that if the problem was not fixed, that I was not responsible for that payment. And knowing that I had been gifted by great friends basically just enough money to get back to WNY this coming week, he said that I could PayPal him the money for that invoice, only should it fix the problem AND whenever I regroup my finances. Now THAT my friends, is The Way Life Should Be!!! I get SO disheartened of things in this world being SO focused on money. That green stuff is simply an energy, yes a necessary tool for navigating ones way through life, but I do believe in my lifetime that we are going to see the paradigm shift about money as THE way. While in Nova Scotia, I did experience that the barter system is alive and well. And for those of you who are not familiar with the barter system, it is simply an exchange of energy and/or goods… If you do a service for me or provide me with something I need, I give you back a service or some goods. The first time in my life I became familiar with this system was on my first trip to Croatia in 1988. Mind you, I had seen the generosity of my parents with their neighbors and friends doing this over the years in smaller capacities, but in Croatia, there were folks who had cows exchanging milk for eggs from people who had chickens. That very simply, is the barter system…

Sunrise, Glace Bay, Nova Scotia 9.16.17  © Sue Culig

I’m going to address next what has been a highly sensitive topic of late… “HARD WORK” As some of you are aware from knowing me personally many years, I have often been overtly criticized for the way I live. I have been called irresponsible. I have been called a mooch. I have been called a free loader. I have been called a lazy hippy and most recently, an insult to people who “work hard for a living.” Well, first and foremost, these things no longer bother me because I know how hard I work. Being a “creative” is not an easy way to make one’s way through a very money centered consciousness and I have always tried to remain true to my passion and my heart. My sisters have often been the biggest critics of my life and my parent’s generosity with me, mainly the one that was born directly before me, who became “born again” when I was 15. Nonetheless… I was born 6 years after my three older sisters who came along one right after the other. Yes, I was the baby, the caboose, the mistake as I used to joke with my mom. AND I was rumored to be my “mother’s favorite” if she had one, which I think she truly did not. I was the only one of us 4 to actually graduate college with a Bachelor’s degree. But of course, because it was JUST art school, it didn’t really count 😉 Anyway, I did have an agreement with my mother that I wanted NOTHING when my parent’s passed, yet if they helped me while they were alive, they could see me reap the rewards of their gifts/loans. My mom knows that as strong minded as I always have been, that I had a very tender heart. It took me about 40 freaking years to grow thicker skin around many issues that once devastated me, which I will discuss in detail in my book. In my newfound sobriety and clarity, raising of my planetary vibration, I see my WORK quite clearly on this planet. My book is in progress, the outline currently being drafted to submit to publishers. And my photographs over 3 plus decades of our amazing planet, focused on bodies of that necessary life element, WATER, are also being submitted to publishers for potential printing. So yes, this “mooch” is actually making a living and hopefully a mark in this lifetime as a photographer and a writer. And yes, maybe I will even have a few extra dollars in the bank for when a friend is in need! In closing this WORK HARD discussion… To those of you who have been continuously supportive of the way I live, THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BIG OLE HEART! And to my blood family members and other critics, I sure hope someday soon you will see THE LIGHT. Maybe by reading my book, things will be opened up and revealed. I simply am no longer invested in defending myself to anyone about how I live. As some wise person once said to me, “Sue, it’s none of your business what other people think or say about you!”

So, for today, on this lovely rapidly approaching Fall Maine day, on the amazing and beautiful planet earth, galaxy Milky Way, I bid you all a simply wonderful day!!! I will surely be revealing more of my images from my extraordinary, life-altering, recent journey, and snippets from my upcoming book/biography on here. Today, just for today, one day at a time, I am going to ask you to invite in the intense LIGHT energy into your hearts that is beaming our planet today. Please click here > “Christine Day, Pleidian Embassador of Light” < to have an explanation of what is transpiring planetarily energetically mainly TODAY, 9/23/17. For those of you who are not already aware, we are in the midst of an extraordinary energetic transformation. And to embody more LIGHT, we must be able to see clearly, dive into and THROUGH the darkness. As Jim Carrey said in his recent rebuttal to W Magazine about his “existentialist interview”… “The only way to it is to step into the river of tears and the sorrows of your life. The things that everyone is avoiding with everything from drugs to drink to sex and gadgets and whatever else you can distract yourself with, all of it is designed for you to never stop going and moving and, for god sakes, not feel the abyss. Don’t allow yourself to feel the abandonment and pain that you’ve suffered. And I’ve done it; I’m through it. I’m sure there will be things that happen again, but I realized that by letting myself fall into it completely, that it’s not to be feared. Death is not to be feared.” Namasté good people, NAMASTÉ!

 

Also posted in Depression, Depression, Drug Abuse, Faith, GOLDEN RULE, INSANITY OF NOW..., LIGHT, Maine life, PHOTOGRAPHY, PLEIDIANS, Religion, Spiritual awakenings

THE WAY LIFE SHOULD BE

In the state of Maine – one of my favorite places on this earth, I AM AWAKE and acknowledging each and every day for what a tremendous gift it is to be alive! It’s hard not to appreciate life to the fullest in a state who’s slogan is “THE WAY LIFE SHOULD BE.” Because it truly is from top to bottom and from West to way up Down East. 🙂

Late last Saturday night, 8/19/17, when traveling South on Rt 1 to the Popham Beach area, I got pulled over by the Bath police. It didn’t surprise me because all day long I felt a tad troubled about various things and my mind was elsewhere.

That entire day, I had been in contemplation of my personal relationships and my lack of grace over the years in letting people go out of my life. This has of late been in my face in a big way. I’ve have lost some good people over the years because of my strong personality, my convictions, and yes, my staunch opinions that have often turned into judgments of others, of their political views, their self and planetary awareness, and of course, religious views. More on that later… While the officer just issued me a warning for missing the stop sign, (I realized immediately that I had missed it and pulled right on over when I saw him) it occurred to me as I was struggling with falling asleep that night that I really did need to STOP! In my experience, there is a reason the Universe puts something so excruciatingly large in one’s face. And, for me, even though I missed the actual sign, I definitely saw the bigger picture that night.

 

It wasn’t until early Sunday morning however that more was revealed to me. I awoke at 4:45 groggy after maybe 3 solid hours of sleep at best and went to hopefully catch some shots of the sunrise. It is a morning ritual while on the road and is part of the job of being a photographer. (Yes, it is a JOB, folks who question my “Life of Reilly.” At summer solstice, one must rise at 3:30 a.m. in Maine to see the sky start to lighten before the earth turns to reveal the sun on the horizon.) That morning after a few photographs, I returned to the van because the mosquitos were eating me alive. I put lavender essential oil on my bites and then laid back down with Mona and slept until 8:45. That piece of deep rest was much needed. I woke refreshed and decided not to go far, but to go get a nice parking spot at the Popham Beach State Park for the day. Many locals don’t want to pay the fee, but I felt it was well worth the $8 to have a day where we could pop the top, clean and organize for the long haul coming up to Nova Scotia. And clean I did… on many levels.

With the upcoming eclipse, I also decided that it was necessary to cleanse all my rocks, healing stones, crystals, neck pieces and myself as well. After all cleaning was said and done in the van and with my healing tools, I took myself, a few choice stones and crystals and did the ritualistic dunk in 64 degree Atlantic Ocean salt water. Man, it was REALLY cold, but it woke me up even further and I returned to Mona in the van (she doesn’t like the water) to heat up a cup of coffee dripped from earlier and meditate on what my intentions were in regards to letting of what no longer serves my highest good in this POWERFUL astrological time of the recent eclipse. The meanings behind the “darkening” by the eclipse can be multifaceted, but one philosophy Spiritually is that it is a time when the darkness of our soul is revealed clearly in essence to let it go and move further into the LIGHT. That is a sweetened condensed version of many philosophers and astrologers. Here’s a decent piece on the eclipse significance.

Since becoming clean and sober and discovering all sorts of new parts of myself each day, the part that the Universe has made me über aware of recently is my personal relationships and how I am treated and of course, how I treat others, or The Golden Rule… My mom was adamant about that one. Do unto others as you wish to have done to you. Reap what you sow… Karma… etc… So last night the BIG mirror popped up… And instead of going right to sleep that night and shrugging the events of the day off, I made a few mental notes and ruminated on what I really wanted to change about myself and my life. The following is what surfaced.

#1 Start to be more of an example of what I believe by action, not just words. I have been told that I am generally a good conversationalist, easy to talk to/with. When I travel, I meet all kinds of new people and often have long conversations. I do love to find out about people’s lives… where they hail from, what they do, believe about life, and lastly if we get that far, think about these intense changing times we are currently living in. Talk has always been a very large part of my personality and conversations come easily and naturally. My first commitment however, is to DO more, to BE more, to consciously walk my talk each and every day, to be present in a loving way for both my Mona, my friends I encounter, new encounters AND for myself. One of the fortunes I have saved from a Chinese meal says: “Action is the proper fruit of knowledge.” Seems that anyone can talk a good talk. So, I will move forward challenging myself to walk my schtick as well. What is my SCHTICK exactly? As my soul brother Ricci Barnes says, “Peace and Love, Sue. Peace and Love… So, I am definitely going to make a concerted effort in each and every moment to walk it a whole lot better.

#2 Exit Facebook for a while, if not for good. I have many reasons for this decision, but the main one is that I feel Facebook has not made me a better person, especially since the recent election. There is much I have learned being on it and I am SO grateful to have connected and reconnected with so many wonderful folks. Since joining at it’s early launch stages in 2007, I have used Facebook for most of what everyone else does while more recently engaging in “battles” over sensitive topics such as religion and politics. I have lost friends. I’ve unfriended and been unfriended. I’ve blocked and been blocked. I have raised my own blood pressure significantly. A recent post I made was taken personally by a long term friend and hence ignited a conflict that ended at 45 year friendship. ☹️ The biggest reason however for making this decision is to chip away at my ego self. My desire to live in my heart is overpowering right now and I don’t always stay in my heart on Facebook. So, a break of at least 30 continuous days is necessary I feel. If for nothing else, to break a habit that I feel is overall not very healthy. This may sound like a judgment about this form of social media, yet it is merely an observation. I feel overall we have become a VERY self-absorbed society. Also, our attention spans have been reduced to basically 2-3 seconds and I have heard it likened to the amount of time it takes to read a Facebook post or a quick text. What an absurd concept this is to me. I don’t go anywhere any longer where people are not addicted to their devices. I see far less of it up

here in Maine, yet it is still prevalent especially among younger folks. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty specifics of what peeves me most about social media, but I will say that we have lost the art of going somewhere without our phones or needing to check for texts,  emails or Facebook or whatever every 15 minutes… So, what do I hope to achieve from a break? A deeper connection with myself and others I encounter in the 3D realm. I will update my Sue Culig Photography page on Facebook, every now and then, and will be mainly posting on Instagram because it is BIG part of what I am, a visual artist and I would like to encounter more folks who are like-minded and like visually skilled. So, to those reading this blog who are my friends on Facebook, if you want to stay connected to me, either follow my Sue Culig Photography page on Facebook, follow me on *Instagram or send me an *email please so I have your address.

*info below

#3 Let go of my judgments and soften the expression of my opinions. As I had written in my last brief blog, my life since my first trip to San Francisco at age 14 has involved many journeys, both internal and on multiple forms of transportation on a few different continents. Therefore, I feel that my experiences with many different cultures and peoples, have given me a breath of experience from which I have drawn my opinions, not hypotheses, but ACTUAL IN THE MOMENT EXPERIENCES. Still, who am I to even suggest to another what is the right or wrong way to do something or what to believe? All I can do is share my experiences and let go. I feel like this is the place to make a formal apology to those I have judged or hurt through my words and actions in the past. I am fairly aware of who and how I have hurt and wish to make an end to it!  My ego is going on a long vacation, if only for baby steps day by day. Large changes are not usually made overnight.

If I have managed to hold your attention this long, please know that I do enjoy talking on the phone. I enjoy emails. I enjoy brief texting. I mostly, I enjoy the lost art of letter writing and sending cards. Since I am on the road for possibly months to come, email and texting would be the best way to get a hold of me should you wish to do so. Please know that if you do wish still to know where I am or what is happening, I’ll be blogging here from time to time when I feel moved to do so. My email address is sueculig@gmail.com and my Instagram is @lifeisajourneynotaguidedtour. No, I won’t be joining Twitter. I don’t think what I have to do or say is all that important to need to Tweet or Facebook any longer. I really want more good old face to face human uninterrupted contact. If you wish to be added to my email list, please send me one and I will put you in my address “book.”

I wish you all an incredible journey, new experiences, new enlightenment after the complete darkness in daylight we have just recently experienced. Please think about going inside to see what you can do to make the world a better place through actions of peace and love. Some suggestions that help the collective consciousness are: recycle, reuse, use natural cleaning products on your home, cars, and person, conserve water, conserve electricity, compost, use ALL FORMS OF ALTERNATIVE ENERGY, and most importantly, do something nice for a complete stranger every now and then. It’s a great feeling. Lets work together to make the planet a place where peace and love will prevail for centuries and hopefully millenniums to come. I am committed to doing my part 🙂 Namasté ~ Sue and Mona

Also posted in Faith, GOLDEN RULE, Maine life, politics, Religion, social media addiction, solar eclipse of 8/21, Spiritual awakenings